Speaking the truth in love and laughter

Who You Lookin' At?

2012-02-10T00:04:00.000-05:00

The lights in dressing rooms are cruel, aren't they? You would think that stores would figure out ways to make you look better so you would feel more obligated to buy something other than an exercise DVD. I was a little (or a lot) disappointed this week as I tried on some clothes. Thanks to the stomach bug and a diet that makes me look forward to raisins as a sweet treat, I am now a number on the scale and a size in clothes I never dared dream I would see again. You would think I would be excited. I thought I would be too. But I wasn't. I don't look like I did the last time I was this number. I'm saggy. And cellulitey. Is that a word? I tried to make myself look at the overall picture instead of focusing on my problem area(s) and that helped some. I looked okay. But I didn't look like.....who was I trying to look like anyway? It was in that moment that I realized I wasn't as upset with how I looked as I was with who I don't look like. As in, I don't look like a supermodel. Newsflash, right?

The truth is, I have slowly come to accept that my body has birthed 3 children and as my sister would say, I fully abused the privilege of pregnancy. :) I pushed calorie counts to places they should never go and gave the phrase "sedentary lifestyle" new meaning. I have the scars and stretch marks to prove it. It's not pretty. But they are very visual reminders of the struggle that took place as my body made room for new life. I recently came across the website "The Shape of A Mother" (Disclaimer: There are pictures of a graphic nature and I do not agree with or condone all thoughts and feelings shared on the website) and I have read stories of so many women struggling to come to grips with their new post-baby bodies. And despite the fact that there are pictures and proof that some women do seem to bounce back perfectly, the fact is that after having babies you are forever changed. If not physically, in every other way. But the statement I read over and over was, I would never trade my baby to have that body back. Now, we might all like a tummy tuck, but not if it meant giving our babies back. :)

This post actually has nothing to do with babies or stretch marks. It has to do with the new life I mentioned. Not the lives our Mamas sacrificed their bodies to give us, but the new life our Savior sacrificed His for. You see, my discouraged moment in the dressing room wasn't the only discouraging moment for me this week. Or the last few weeks. I've had several. In fact, I've felt downright defeated. For as long as I can remember the enemy has enjoyed playing a game with me I like to call, "How many ways can I fail?" During this game I begin to think on everything in my life that I wish I hadn't done, or felt like was a failure, or current things in life that I feel like I stink at. Just like in the dressing room when I began comparing my body to that of a supermodel, I like to take all aspects of my life and slap them up next to someone or something that is way better than me. I feel like a loser. It's tons of fun.

Well, just this very week I was drifting off into loserville and I was getting ready for a good cry and a walk down my hall of shame when something happened. My Savior stepped in. I promise it was like being bullied and having the strongest kid in the class step up for you. As I began to tick off the list in my head of things I've done wrong or ways that I've failed I began to have thoughts about other things I've accomplished or overcome. And I was instantly reminded that all of those things had one thing in common-Him. I am so far from perfect it's not even funny, but as I thought back on my life I was completely overwhelmed at where I've been and where I've come. And I can say that without an ounce of arrogance because I know Who has brought me here. It has not been without battles or the scars that come with them. Sometimes those scars seem as real and visible as the ones that cover my tummy. I can honestly say that in the same way I wouldn't trade my babies to be rid of my stretch marks, I wouldn't trade the lessons I've learned to be free of the other scars either. But the truth is that He bore those scars for me long before I even entered the battle. He hasn't stopped fighting for me yet.

Do you ever feel defeated? If you are a child of God, we've already been promised the victory. I've learned that success and failure are both very influenced by who we're looking at. I recently came across this verse and I felt like it summed it up perfectly. "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in You." Isaiah 26:3.

When our minds (and eyes) are focused on Him, we will find peace no matter what the situation. When we are steadfast. When we do not take our eyes off for even a second to focus on how we measure up with other people, to dwell on what could have been, or what might be. We can trust that He will keep fighting for us, and while we will never be the same, the new life He creates will be worth whatever struggle brings it.

My New Fashion Trend...

2012-02-01T08:07:00.001-05:00

*This is a true story. Every.last.word. But for the sake of my sanity and my social life, let's pretend it's not.

I left y'all with the news that I almost burnt our house down last Sunday night. Turns out, that would be prophetic for what I would want to do by the end of the week. Grab a chair and a hazmat suit and I will tell you all about my week.

Monday- I was still feeling pretty crummy, but trying to pull myself together as I had to work that night. And while spotting girls in a tumbling class doesn't require a ton of skill, it does require a ton of strength and energy. I had been running low on both. I survived though and went home and had a nice supper with the fam. Josh has been so awesome about making sure I stick with my diet and cooking for me on the nights that we would be likely to just want to grab something. All was well until Eli started complaining of a stomachache. We started the bedtime routine and he went to use the bathroom and I just happened to walk by in time to see (because 6 year old boys do not require privacy in the bathroom) him projectile vomiting. Awesome. I was just thankful it happened on the tile floor and not the carpet in his bedroom. Thankfully, this was a one time occurrence.

Tuesday- Eli talked his way into staying home from school, but did NOT act sick. In fact, he was running laps through the house. We already had plans to have friends over for dinner that night and I debated cancelling, but since it only happened once I convinced myself it was just something he had eaten. We spent the day cleaning and preparing for our guests. That night we had fajitas and great conversation with a special couple who will probably never speak to us again, or at the least will avoid our house like the plague. But the night itself was the highlight of our week. :)

Wednesday- I was feeling so good Wednesday. The best I have felt in over a month. I felt alive again. I put on make-up and fixed my hair. I went to pick Kate up at school and took her to have a picnic at the park while we waited for her dentist appointment. It was a gorgeous day. We had just enough time to eat and play. I took Kate to the dentist and it was a quick visit. As we were waiting to pay I noticed something that would change the course of the entire week. LICE!!!!! Oh.my.word. We went straight home and to the bathtub. Kate had been fighting a cold and was already pretty miserable.

*I have to stop here and back up. A week after Christmas we had this same problem. It turned into an all day and night marathon and I got a new vacuum cleaner out of the deal. I also googled until I became an expert on this subject. My children and I sat around for hours with mayonnaise and plastic bags on our heads. Our doorbell rang 40 times that day. As I was getting ready to wash and comb everybody's heads, Josh informed that one of our puppies that we gave away was being fought over in a custody battle and the police might be by to talk to him. Seriously? I cannot say it enough, these things only happen to me!!!! At one point I thought the police officer had gotten there and I locked me and 3 kids into our tiny bathroom. Later I found out Josh was talking on the phone with him. Lucky for that policeman.*

So, I share all of that to say that I now consider myself an expert and went into action. I really debated sharing this information as I figure I will lose all friends and social acquaintances, but I have written about so many aspects of motherhood that I felt this was one I just couldn't pretend didn't happen. Not too long after our first experience we watched "I Don't Know How She Does It", and there was a lice scene that made me laugh and also want to hold her and cry. But of course, not touch heads. If you have boys, the lice solution is simple, shave their heads. That's what Josh and Eli did. While they did that I smothered mine and the girls LONG, THICK, AND CURLY (kate) hair with mayo and wrapped our heads in Wal-Mart bags and shower caps. There are no words for how ridiculous we looked, but I read that suffocating the lice is one of the most sure fire ways to kill them. I won't lie, I was secretly thinking 'Die, you ugly bugs. Suffocate! Suffer!' If you've had lice, you understand. You leave it on your head as long as humanly possible while you vacuum everything you own that is not being washed. There are no words to explain what the laundry situation has been like in this house. None.

Kate was running fever that day and cried and whined the entire time I washed her hair and combed it. Combing is key y'all. You have to comb that hair for HOURS. Anyway, after I covered our furniture in sheets she laid down and passed out. Then, she woke up and we got to wash and comb all over again. You can't imagine the fun we've had in this house. Eli came home from church (of course this happened on a Wednesday) and announced that he had told everyone we had lice. Thanks Eli.

Thursday- We kept the kids home to treat again. I colored my hair because I read that that will kill them too and I needed to cover some grays anyway. Especially after this week. That afternoon I headed to dance (the girls did not) and when I got there a crowd was already waiting. A new girl was starting and her little brother was having a massive nose bleed. I was trying to get in the door, get my skirt and shoes on, get paper towels for the nose bleed, find shoes for the new girl and calm down my other ballerinas who were extra hyper. We managed to start class and before long the phone was ringing off the hook. Barbie had decided to take the day off and my assistant didn't show up. Normally I just let the phone ring and go to the answering machine if I'm teaching, but we had been under severe weather watches and I was worried someone might be calling about that. They were. Several moms called to ask if we were cancelling classes due to the weather. I felt like I needed to talk to Barbie first, so I told them to call back later. I couldn't get a hold of Barbie. So many moms called that I just made the decision to cancel my last two classes. That meant calling everybody. I couldn't remember the password to get into the computer to get phone numbers. By this point my second class was getting there and I still didn't have an assistant. I finally remembered where the registration forms were filed and started going through them looking for numbers. I put a 6 year old in charge of stretching out the girls. It was desperate times y'all. The sky kept getting darker and parents started coming in the middle of the class to get their kids. By the end I had two girls left and when one of their moms got their she told me a tornado had been spotted on the Cape, which was about 10 minutes from us. I ushered the girls out and hauled booty home. I remembered later that I had left the computer on. I apologized to Barbie the next time I saw her and she told me she didn't know what had happened. I left the computer, A/C and the stereo on, and there was blood in the bathroom!!!!!! The nosebleed! I had never even had time to go in the bathroom. I told her it must have been like a scene out of CSI. She said she didn't know what those parents had done to me!!!

Friday-4:00am I woke up feeling terrible. Kate was in the bed with us snoring like crazy. My stomach was killing me. I moved to the couch and for some reason Sarah and Eli were already in the living room. I laid down and tried to watch TV to forget that I felt like I was DYING. Then, it happened. The puking. Eli asked me what I was spitting up. I wanted to say, "I don't know son, would you like me to send it off to a lab?" It finally stopped, but it was official, I was camped on the couch for the day. A few hours later I was on the phone with my sister and Kate was sitting in the recliner. She started saying her stomach hurt and before I could get off of the couch, she was projectile vomiting. By Friday night I was in tears asking Josh if he thought I was still a Christian and I was questioning the meaning of life. Did I mention Friday marked my 6th day caffeine free? My Mamaw had come into town the Friday night before and I still had not seen her due to the fact that apparently my house is a CDC petri dish.

I woke up Saturday feeling like a new woman and I told Josh that if I had to take a barf bag and wear a shower cap, I was getting out of the house!!!! We had a fun, busy weekend and life was beginning to feel normal again. Today we went and voted. Tonight, Josh is in the bed. Yep, it's his turn. I'm just going to go bathe in Lysol and sleep with a surgical mask on. If I were you, I'd just be glad you are only a "blogging friend" and not someone who has had physical contact with us. Get on your knees and thank God. And, if you are someone who has had physical contact with us, God bless you. It was nice knowing you. I totally understand if you never want to come within 30 feet of us. And if you do, dress appropriately.

Photo courtesy of Google Images

Burn, Baby, Burn

2012-01-23T21:31:00.001-05:00

Some of you may remember this post when I talked about a diet I was starting for health reasons. Well, I relapsed and let's just say that Christmas left me begging for my life. Or a Motrin. Or 90. So, I'm back on the wagon and FOR GOOD. I learned my lesson. With that said, last time I only gave up dairy, sweets and caffeine. Only. :) This time, I'm giving up red meat and I'm *trying* to give up wheat, too. I wasn't sure how this would go over with my hubby whose picture you will find if you look up "carnivore" in the dictionary. But let me tell you, he has totally jumped on board with this diet. You know I've wallowed in pain and been totally useless (and maybe a bit moody) when Josh is googling this diet and going to the grocery store for me. For me the only way I can stick with it is 1. Trail mix. Raisins suddenly taste like cheesecake when you give up sweets. 2. Celery with peanut butter. It's my new crack. 3. Lots of fruits and veggies that are easy for me to grab and go. Well, apparently Josh's way of coping with this diet was a turkey. A 23 pound turkey y'all!!!!

*Let me just stop here and tell you that this is two times the size of the turkey we fried when we spent Thanksgiving with my sister and FED 9 people!!!!*

So anyway, I really like turkey and apparently Josh does, too. :) I stayed home from church yesterday ~~feeling like snot~~ not feeling so great and Josh asked if I would check on the turkey and remove some of the foil so it could cook on top. Ok. I could do that. Surely I could drag myself off the couch for 5 minutes. Well, let me tell you.....I did as I was asked to do. But it turns out the pan the turkey was on wasn't quite big enough for it. The juices started overflowing and before I knew it, the entire kitchen and dining room were full of smoke. I opened the kitchen window and headed back to the couch. If I was not in my first day of caffeine withdrawal I probably would have come up with a way to fix the problem, but I was in fact on day one of caffeine withdrawal and I was perfectly content to sit in a smoke filled house as long as I could sit. Or lay.

About 30 minutes later Kate was the first one to come in the door. She was barefoot. "Where are your shoes?" I asked. She answered, "Daddy has them. My feet were hot." Oh. Well that makes sense. Don't we all take our shoes off at church if our feet get hot????? She then made her way to the kitchen where she proceeded to say, "HOLY SMOKE!" About that time the rest of the gang came in and started waving their arms and asking what was going on. Eli started yelling, "STOP, DROP AND ROLL!!!!" Josh started opening more windows. And doors. That led to Kate walking outside and announcing that she saw Bigfoot over at the church. Then Eli suggested getting out the peanut butter to trap him. And that made me want some more celery with peanut butter. But first we needed to eat some turkey. :)

Photo courtesy of Kansas Fire Equipment Co., Inc.

Gift idea for the Fidlers-family packs of fire extinguishers and an extra set for guests.....

Mompetition

2012-01-20T12:29:00.001-05:00

We were loading up in the Jeep when Josh asked Kate if she wanted him to tell me about her day or if she wanted to tell me. Uh-oh. You may remember from this post that the last time a conversation started this way, it wasn't a good thing. My stomach started turning and Josh started telling me that when he picked Kate up her teacher wanted to talk to him. At this point I was on edge. Way back a decade ago when I began the journey of motherhood it never occurred to me I would have to worry about teachers wanting to talk to us about anything bad. Because you know, my kids were going to be perfect. :) Well, almost 10 years and 3 kids later, I was worried! To build the suspense and DRIVE ME CRAZY, we stopped to get a drink at Mr. Cheap Butts and Josh told me he would tell me what she wanted to talk about after he got our stuff. AGHHH!!!!! It was driving me nuts. I started trying to pry it out of Kate, but all she would tell me was, "I didn't get paddled today." Well, at least that was a relief. Finally, Josh returned and I gave him .5 seconds to get in the vehicle and tell me what happened. He started telling me that when he got there Kate was looking for her folder and Mrs. B. had it because she wanted to talk to him. I frantically grabbed Kate's backpack looking for her folder. Did she get a frowny face??? And who knew that as a 31 year old woman I would be so concerned over the idea of getting a frowny face? After dragging this story out for EVER, Josh told me that basically Kate's teacher was really impressed with some testing she's been doing and she wanted us to know that Kate is really smart and she was amazed at how quick she picks stuff up. *sigh of relief*

You might think that this information caused me to swell with pride. Well, maybe a little. But it also caused me to pause and realize how far I've come (or fallen, however you want to look at it.) The truth is, with Sarah I knew she was brilliant and advanced and I had two sets of grandparents confirming my beliefs. I had the normal parental expectations for greatness. Now, after having made the decision to hold a child back a grade and having another paddled before she even starts going to school for a full day, I just hold my breath and hope we get through the day. And I had to laugh a little because the day before this happened, my friend Philip had sent me a message with the word of the day:

mompetition
	January 17, 2012 Urban Word of the Day The one-up rivalry that moms play making their child seem better, smarter, and/ or more advanced than yours. May involve two or more moms and any number of children, even full-grown. She engaged me in mompetition insisting her son walked at 6 months and implying my son was slow for his age

Okay Moms, show of hands. Have you ever been part of a mompetition? I think we all have. Being the slacker that I am, I dropped out early. I am not one of the awesome moms who kept perfect records of every milestone of their children. I remember that Sarah sat up by herself when she was 5 months, only because it happened on Christmas Day. I remember that Eli and Kate both started walking before they were 1, not because I was thrilled that they were advanced, but because by then I knew that life is never the same once your child becomes mobile and that you never sit down again once it happens. And I like to sit down a lot.

Unfortunately, mompetition doesn't end once the physical developments of infancy do. It just changes. It turns into whose child makes the honor roll, whose child has the cutest clothes or whose child is the most talented, creative, athletic, etc. You find yourself doing things like building huge veggie trees because your child always ends up in classes with the children of "that" mom who runs a bakery and always makes the best goodies for class parties. Wait, is that just me?

I am competitive by nature. Just ask anyone who has played against me in Wii bowling. :) And I think that healthy competition is a good thing. There is a time and a place for it. I've had to realize though, being a mom isn't one of those times. For two reasons. First, my kids are real, live people with their own thoughts, feelings, abilities and personalities. It's not fair to expect them to be a certain way because another child is, or to use their achievements or awesomeness to bolster my self-esteem. Not their job. The second reason is that we as moms DO NOT need something else to stress about. Am I right, here? I mean really, between sleep deprivation, picky eaters, sick days, homework, and trying to find a way to get fingernail polish out of the carpet, who needs more pressure?

Here's what I've recently realized that I wish I had realized 9 years ago. This is not a contest. There will be no trophies or ribbons presented to us upon high school graduation. It will not matter how early our child rolled over or if they were the first kid in their class to learn to tie their shoes. It will matter that instead of being taught to compete with their classmates they learned to love them and appreciate each of them for the special qualities and talents they possess. It will matter that they learn to value themselves as unique and special rather than running themselves ragged trying to win the next award or be the top of the class. It will matter that they learn to work with people instead of against them.

And that brings me to the greatest downfall of mompetition. In a time in our lives when we need all of the support and encouragement we can get, we tear each other apart with jealousy, snootiness and one upmanship. I just read this great blog post and I thought it brought out something none of us wants to admit. That there is a part of us that wants people to be jealous or to look at us and think we are the mom who has it all together. We've all been part of that conversation where "that mom" is praised for whatever reason, be it that she cooks all organic meals or that she can wear skinny jeans. But the truth is that at the end of the day, even the mom in skinny jeans doesn't have it all together.

I'm pretty sure I gave up my nomination for "that mom" as soon as I started blogging. Sometimes I wish I could go back and start over and only blog about our sweet moments or post pretty pictures. But, by now y'all know me well enough to know I do good to get any pictures!! Personally, I'm waving the white (slightly yellowing and wrinkled because it stayed in the laundry pile too long) flag of surrender on the competition thing. If you need a mom to be greatly impressed with or to inspire you with educational activities and healthy snack ideas, I'm probably not for you. But if you need a place to go to feel better about yourself, I'm your girl. There is no perfection here. Just lots of learning lessons the hard way, trying to love the good AND the bad, laughing when it's funny and crying when it's not.

I'm going to finish by telling you something that Eli did that really made me think. Every week since school started he had been making 100's on his spelling test and I would proudly display them on the refrigerator. Well, one Friday I had been busy and hadn't checked his folder. I walked past the fridge and noticed he had already put his spelling test up. But something was different. No 100/A this week. Nope. It was a 67/D. I was in shock. A little disappointed. Then, it hit me. Eli didn't realize I had been putting those tests up there because of how proud I was of his grade. He just thought I was proud of him. And you know what? I am. I'm just proud of him. Of course, it's not okay for him to make that grade every week, but he hasn't. He's gone back to his A's. But it is important that my kids know I'm still going to love them and be proud of them, even on an off week. Especially on an off week. Moms are the same way. Sometimes those off weeks are when we really need the most love and encouragement. Sometimes us moms are the only ones who really get that. Let's stop the mompetition and instead of using our knowledge and experience to brag or beat each other up, let's use it to hug, support, educate and hold each other's hands on this journey. From what I hear, it's not going to get any easier!!!!!!! But we have great reasons to persevere and cheer each other on!

Preachers Get All The Women

2012-01-15T23:22:00.002-05:00

In case you think that little kids are the only ones who say the darnedest things, let me assure you, they are not. I could write a book about my experience working with Hospice if it weren't for the confidentiality and the fact that I was so incredibly sleep deprived during those days that I know I've forgotten more than I'll ever remember. But, there are a few of my patients and a few encounters with them that I will never forget. Ever.

The first made the comment that inspired the title for this post. I had a, how should I put it? I had an amorous man for a patient that on occasion would ask me to leave my husband and marry him. Before you start thinking this is cute, let me tell you he begged his nurse, too. He wasn't my only hospice patient lookin' for love. I had quite a few men who ranged from sweetly flirty to deeply creepy and disturbing. I will say this, for most of these guys who were home bound I was the best looking thing around. Sad, yes. But I will be honest and tell you that I desperately depended on their compliments to offset the painfully honest older women I visited who would tell me things like, "Your hips just keep spreadin' and spreadin'." My self-esteem has still not recovered from the roller coaster of hospice work. :) Anyway, when the flirtations would begin to turn creepy and disturbing I would pull out all the stops to dissuade it. Being married and pregnant or postpartum most of my working career was no obstacle to these lonely men. They would offer to take in my kids, too. I would usually break down and confide that my husband was a preacher and it probably wouldn't look great for the preacher's wife to move in with another man. Some guys seemed to take it as a personal challenge to flirt with me more. One patient just said in frustration, "Preacher's get all the women!" Josh and I still laugh at that declaration four years later. Poor Josh, all he got was me. :)

I didn't always tell my patients that I was a preacher's wife. I wasn't actually supposed to share very much about my personal life, but I'll be honest. It's hard to go into people's homes at least once a month, sometimes more and learn very personal details about every part of their life without disclosing some things about myself. I learned that the fact that I was a preacher's wife would be met with 2 distinct reactions. People either LOVED that I was a preacher's wife or, they weren't so thrilled. Let's face it, people usually either love or hate preachers. It's just how it is. Well, I still remember a patient who had a not so thrilled reaction when he learned I was a preacher's wife. I have to set the scene for you. As Sophia from "The Golden Girls" would say: Picture it. Waynesboro, Mississippi. 2007. I was 7 months pregnant and it was July. It was hot as all get out. I got papers telling me I had a new patient. I was warned by the home health aid that the yard was very overgrown and there were probably snakes and that snakes are drawn to pregnant women. (It's why I haven't gotten pregnant again. :) I had never been given a patient in this town and soon learned that it was an hour drive. I made the drive and trekked through the yard as fast as my big ol' pregnant self could move and was welcomed into a home that would make a great episode of Hoarders. I don't say that judgmentally. Believe me, it was not the only house I went into in that condition. I made myself a space and sat down to begin my assessment. It was a very sweet lady who was living with her brother in law who would later be put on our service as well. He sat in the corner and grunted. He was nice enough to show me the gun he kept hidden in his sock. I felt so safe. There is nothing like a dementia patient with a weapon. Anyway, my sweet patient answered my questions and as we got to the spiritual assessment she told me that the gun totin' grunter in the corner was a deacon. I thought that meant it would be safe to share that I was a preacher's wife. I thought wrong. He was quick to tell me "All preacher's care about is money!" Can I just tell you now, I was not in the mood for that particular response. It took everything in my being not to go off on him and tell him that that was exactly why I was out driving hours a day in record heat while I was on the verge of popping out a baby, because my husband was all about the money. Nevermind that we had taken a 50% pay cut when we went into ministry. And that was with me working. I was a tad furious with him. I knew he had dementia and was not in his right mind, but I also knew that his words represented exactly how many, many people feel. I know, because he's not the only one who has made that kind of comment around me or Josh.

Again, I don't really like talking about money. All I'm going to say is that NOTHING in my life has offended me more than people implying that Josh and I went into ministry or have made other choices in our life based on money. For one, if you checked our bank account, you would just laugh at that idea anyway. Two, as imperfect and flawed as Josh and I are, the one thing we have prayed and cried and agonized over is being where God wants us to be. Regardless of how hard that might be. Regardless of what it might mean for us financially. Regardless of what it means for us emotionally, mentally, spiritually or socially.

I share this, because while we do not do ministry for the money, there are often times when it can feel very unrewarding. There are times when you begin to question if it is worth the sacrifices you've made. If it is worth the time you invest. If it's worth knowing that 97% of people don't truly get what your life is all about or why God is such a big deal to you. You go to bed and wonder if makes a difference in even 1 persons life that you've chosen the road of ministry. Because really, if it's not even making a difference in 1 persons life, maybe we should go back to our plan A, which meant a lot more money, security, and comfort for us.

We don't have a huge church. We don't lead big conferences or write books. We have a sweet little congregation that longs to be revived and see it's community changed by the light of Jesus. We have wise, seasoned believers and we have kids who come from homes that redefine most people's idea of "broken". We have a community of addicts, mentally ill, physically handicapped, and spiritually blind people. We have a neighborhood with old, run down houses with tenants who move frequently. We live in a community where when you tell people where you live they say, "Oh" and you know what that means. There are some wonderful people who live here and they will tell you that the neighborhood is not what it used to be. There are countless kids who are neglected and hungry, in more ways than one.

Those kids are the reason that I feel more sense of purpose than I have ever felt in my life. From the day we moved in those kids found their way to our house. I know it's because of my kids, not anything Josh or I have done. Most of those kids have already moved away, but one boy has become our 4th child. Our doorbell rings every school day at 2:45 without fail and most Saturdays about 10:00. (We had to have a little discussion about what time he showed up on Saturdays!!) He's eaten many meals with us, suffered through playroom and bedroom clean-up, gone to church with us, watched movies with us, and even gotten us in trouble with neighbors. :) I struggled when he first started coming around. He's older than my kids. At first we thought he was completely rude because he would not speak to me or Josh and then we learned that he had some mental and developmental challenges. He was loud. He smelled bad. During the summer he would come to our house wearing the same clothes for days on end. He needed a haircut. I'm telling you the truth when I tell you I had to really pray that God would help me love this kid. I would get mad at his parents. They would drop him off and not be home when we would take him home hours later, after our kid's bedtimes. We would see his mom out places and she wouldn't even acknowledge us. He's spent so much time at our house that he's seen it all. He's seen me hollerin' at my kids, and not the "we're out in public so I'll pretend I have patience" hollerin', the "I feel like snot, I'm miserable and y'all are driving me crazy" hollerin'. I can't tell you how many times I've figured that I scared him off for good. But I'll never forget the day I said something about being mean and he said, "You're not mean. You're nice." And I wondered how much worse he had seen in his life. I remember the first time I heard him really laugh and I wondered if he laughed when he was at his house. I remember the first night he went to church with us and I realized his mental challenges when he couldn't find the right page in the hymnal.

Well, I have to tell you. God has worked in his life. It's the only way to explain it. He is a different kid. He looks different. You know how God changes some people and they just look different? And while I hope that our family has been a positive influence in his life, I know only God can get the glory for the kind of change I've seen in him and his family. His Mom speaks and waves to us. She smiles, something I never saw her do for over a year. He ate supper with us tonight and the kids went to watch TV while Josh and I sat at the table and talked. I looked and saw him in the middle of my kids and I realized, I love him. Like he's my own. And my heart did little flip flops of happiness about the work God has done on my stubborn little heart.

We didn't see him much over Christmas break and again I worried I had done something to upset him. But, as soon as school started back, he was back. And this time, he brought us something. One of the greatest gifts I've ever received.

It's a jar with cookie mix. Josh said I can never make them, we just have to save it. :) I know that this may mean very little to most of you, but for us, it was like being given a million dollars. It wasn't just cookie mix. It was evidence that a change has happened in people's hearts. It was evidence that God took some people who had been the recipients of many different people and church's generosity and gave them a desire to give back. It was evidence that maybe God had done something in just one person or one family's hearts. It was evidence that we are exactly where we are supposed to be.

I don't know that preachers get all the women. But seeing people's lives changed, that's pretty cool too! :)

In a Sentence....or a few...... :)

2012-01-10T19:29:00.002-05:00

About a month or so ago Kate from Kansas asked me to fill out this survey. I was neck deep in painting desks, hollering at teenagers and baking brownies. I was doing good to remember my middle name. I knew I was not mentally capable of filling this thing out even if I did have more than 3 and a half seconds to sit down. Well, she sent me a gentle reminder about it a few days ago and I've been bumming around not feeling so great so I decided I would give it a shot. I was just going to send it back to her, but as I answered the questions I found myself wondering how some of you might answer them. With it being a new year and all, I thought some of the questions would be good to think about. I would love if you would pick a few and tell me your answers. Like, what are your goals for the next 5 years? Am I the only person who sets their goals 5 minutes at a time? Oh well, here goes!

1. In one sentence, who are you? I am just Emily (;

2. Why do you matter? Because God says I do!

3. What is your life motto? Stay strong, smile long!

4. What’s something you have that everyone wants? An awesome love story.

5. What is missing in yourlife? Structure and organization. That is all.J

6. What’s been on your mind most lately? Some people I care about.

7. Happiness is a ______? Choice (I agree Kate!!)

8. What stands between you and happiness? My diet!! J Most of the time it’s just my attitude.

9. What do you need most rightnow? Motivation.

10. What does the child inside you long for? One day to relax and play with noresponsibilites!!

11. What is one thing right now that you are totally sure of? That I absolutelycannot control other people, only myself.

12. What’s been bothering you lately? Worrying about people I care about.

13. What are you scared of? That I will waste precious time and notmake the most of the time I’ve been given. (Not that doing something like thisisn’t totally a great use of my time.) J

14. What has fear of failure stopped you from doing? A lot…but the biggest is sharing myfaith the way I should and the second is following my biggest dream.

15. What will you never give up on? My relationships with God, Josh and mykids.

16. What do you want to remember forever? As much as possible! J

17. What makes you feel secure? Hearing Josh’s voice.

18. Which activities make you lose track of time? Bejeweled Blitz. See #13. J

19. What’s the most difficult decision you’ve ever made? I’ve had several difficult decisions inmy life, but leaving my Hospice job was definitely up there as one of thetoughest.

20. What’s the best decision you’ve ever made? After deciding to follow Jesus, the bestdecision I made was to ask Joshua Fidler to escort me to Azalea Trail. J

21. What are you most grateful for? I am greatful for people who love andencourage me.

22. What is worth the pain? Any pain that grows you or gets youcloser to God is worth it.

23. In order of importance, how would you rank: happiness, money,love,health, fame? Love, Happiness, Health, Money, Fame

24. What is something you’ve always wanted, but don’t yet have? J I’ll spare you what I would really say and say that I really don’t know.I really can’t think of something I’ve always wanted. I’m pretty fickle. J

25. What was the most defining moment in your life during this pastyear? I think it was probably giving up everykind of food and drink I enjoyed for health reasons and realizing that I hadmore discipline and power over my body than I ever thought I could.

26. What’s the number one change you need to make in your life in thenext twelve months? I need to find that discipline again!!!!

What’s the number one thing you want to achieve in the next five years? I’m not sure…I need to figure this out!

28. What is the biggest motivator in your life right now? I need to figure this out too!!!

29. What will you never do? Be a morning person. I’ve come to gripswith this.

30. What’s something you said you’d never do, but have since done? Live in the parking lot of a church. J

31. What’s something new you recently learned about yourself? That I am stronger than I think I am!

32. What do you sometimes pretend to understand that you really donot? MATH. (Me too, Kate!!)

33. In one sentence, what do you wish for your future self? I wish that my life would be a light tomy community and that I will figure out the whole Mom thing. J

34. What worries you most about the future? That my babies will have to make theirown mistakes and learn from them.

35. When you look into the past, what do you miss most? My Daddy.

36. What’s something from the past that you don’t miss at all? I’m much more content now. I do not missalways waiting for the next thing.

37. What recently reminded you of how fast time flies? Thinking about my baby startingkindergarten!!

38. What is the biggest challenge you face right now? Keeping my house clean. J Seriously, it’s that realization that I can’t control other people orhow they feel or act.

39. In one word, how would you describe your personality? Silly

40. What never fails to frustrate you? Trying to keep my house clean and peoplewho make a big deal out of stuff that is not a big deal.

41. What are you known for by your friends and family? Once upon a time I was known for cryingall the time. J Now, it is probably being crazy……

42. What’s something most people don’t know about you? I have a HORRIBLE long term memory.There are sooo many things I can’t remember.

43. What’s a common misconception people have about you? That I share everything that is going onin my life.

44. What’s something a lot of people do that you disagree with? Starting “debates” with people who theyknow they cannot persuade. I don’t get that.

45. What’s a belief you hold with which many people disagree? Probably most of mine. I know there aremany people who think my belief in God is crazy.

46. What’s something that’s harder for you than it is for most people? Waking up!!

47. What are the top three qualities you look for in a friend? Share my spiritual beliefs, sense ofhumor and loyal.

48. If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that yousometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be yourfriend? Not long at all! I need to work on thattoo!

49. When you think of ‘home,’ what, specifically, do you think of? My family.

50. What’s the most valuable thing you own? Hmmm…..I think my wedding and engagementrings are the most valuable both money wise and sentimentally.

51. If you had to move 3000 miles away, what would you miss most? A lot! I would miss family and friendsand church and dance and Dockside Grill!!

52. What would make you smile right now? Usually anything Kate says these days.

53. What do you do when nothing else seems to make you happy? Go for a drive and listen to music. (Ineed to start running like you Kate!!!)

54. What do you wish did not exist in your life? Health issues

55. What should you avoid to improve your life? Dairy, sweets and caffeine. :)

56. What is something you would hate to go without for a day? Diet Coke. And my family. Mostly myfamily. J

57. What’s the biggest lie you once believed was true? Santa.

58. What’s something bad that happened to you that made you stronger? Lots of things. Losing people I loved,working several jobs that I had very little experience and had a lot oflearning to do, dealing with difficult people, struggling financially. It hasn’t killed me so I guess it’s made mestronger. J

59. What’s something nobody could ever steal from you? The joy of the Lord!

60. What’s something you disliked when you were younger that you trulyenjoy today? Broccoliand sweet potatoes.

61. What are you glad you quit? I didn’t think of it as “quitting”,but I guess it was. Changing my major from Communication Disorders to SocialWork was absolutely what I was supposed to do.

62. What do you need to spend more time doing? Praying. Reading my Bible.Exercising. Checking on people. Ministering to my community. Reading to mykids. Wow. I should get busy. J

63. What are you naturally good at? Being a klutz! lol

64. What have you been counting or keeping track of recently? I’ve been counting music as I amchoreographing dance recital dances!

65. What has the little voice inside your head been saying lately? I’m so tired….

66. What’s something you should always be careful with? Bleach and the Word of God. Notnecessarily together.

67. What should always be taken seriously? God’s Word!

68. What should never be taken seriously? Yourself!

69. What are three things you can’t get enough of? 1. Good conversations. 2. DietCoke 3. Sleep

70. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? Speak my mind more.

71. What fascinates you? Personality types.

72. What’s the difference between being alive and truly living? Truly living is knowing God’s purposefor you and living it every minute for His glory!

73. What’s something you would do every day if you could? Go to the movies. I love going to themovies!

74. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate andalive? Directing the children’s theater andteaching dance have brought out a lot of passion in me as I’ve realized howmuch I enjoy teaching the things I love to kids I love.

75. Which is worse, failing or never trying? Definitely never trying!

76. What makes you feel incomplete? Being without the people that care aboutme.

77. When did you experience a major turning point in your life? I think my greatest turning point waswhen I had Kate and we both had serious complications. It really woke me up tohow precious life is and how important it is to make the most of each day.

78. What or who do you wish you lived closer to? I wish I lived closer to my sister’s andtheir families and my friends. Pretty much all of my really good friends liveseveral hours away from me. I also wish I lived closer to Chick-Fil-A. Justsayin’.

79. If you had the opportunity to get a message across to a largegroup of people, what would your message be? Jesus is the Answer!

80. What’s something you know you can count on? That there will always be another loadof laundry to fold. J

81. What makes you feel comfortable? Yoga pants and people who get my senseof humor.

82. What’s something about you that has never changed? My nose. It’s always been this big.

83. What will be different about your life in exactly one year? All 3 of my kids will be in school allday!

84. What mistakes do you make over and over again? Losing my temper over stupid stuff.

85. What do you have a hard time saying “no” to? Pretty much anything people ask me to doand chocolate.

86. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for whatyou are doing? I really feel like I am doing what I believe in. It’s not alwayseasy, but I love it!

87. What’s something that used to scare you, but no longer does? Not making everybody happy.

88. What promise to yourself do you still need to fulfill? Another one I’ll have to think about.

89. What do you appreciate most about your current situation? The special people in my life and theopportunity to do things I love :)

90. What’s something simple that makes you smile? When I see an old couple holding hands.

91. So far, what has been the primary focus of your life? Trying to live by faith and follow God.Then being a good wife and mother.

92. How do you know when it’s time to move on? For me, I usually know when I becomediscontent and there is no obvious reason for me to be discontent. It’s hard toexplain. It’s just a feeling.

93. What’s something you wish you could do one more time? Hug my Dad.

94. When you’re 90-years-old, what will matter to you the most? That I loved people the way Jesus did.

95. What would you regret not fully doing, being, or having in yourlife? I would regret (and already do) not fullyappreciating what I have and allowing myself to be angry, sad or ungratefulinstead of soaking up the time I have with people.

Whatnot Wednesday: It's a New Year

2012-01-04T21:25:00.001-05:00

It's a new year and we've had two crazy weeks of break. Here is so much randomness it will make your head spin.

* Tonight when I picked Kate up from the nursery our sweet nursery lady told me that Kate had been entertaining them with stories about frogs and ghosts wrapped in toilet paper. I couldn't bring myself to tell her that Josh let our kids watch Ghostbusters and that it is one of their favorite movies. Yes, I do know it is very inappropriate for children. Yes, leave it to my children to decide it is their favorite movie. Also leave it to my four year old to tell dramatic stories at church about the ghost she's been seeing wrapped in toilet paper. Fabulous. If you are wondering about the frog, I have to tell you about a new addition to our family. Josh's uncle decided it would be great to get Eli a frog for Christmas. But this is not just any frog....

I don't know if you can see him very good. This isn't my pic so I couldn't zoom in on it, but that is in fact, a taxedermied frog. For real. He creeps me out. The other night I was vacuuming the girl's room and as I bent down to get under the bed THE FROG WAS UNDER THERE STARING AT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So, I did what any good Mom would do. I screamed and decided the carpet was clean enough under there.

* Speaking of floor care, I got a Shark steam mop for Christmas and I am in love. It's changed my life. I feel like I could lay down on my kitchen floor and take a nap. Josh got me a mop and I got him a drill and we were excited. We are officially old.

* We also got new phones. We had free phone upgrades, and let me tell you, free was totally in our Christmas budget. :) I feel like I may finally be in 2005 electronically and I have managed to not post anything scandalous or embarrassing on Facebook by accident. I have, however, realized that I am just not ready for a touchscreen. Thankfully mine has a keyboard too, but Josh's is only a touchscreen and today he wanted me to google some directions. 15 minutes into the process I accidentally hit the button for voice commands and got really excited. I was trying to get directions for Emerald Coast Fellowship and somehow his phone understood me to be saying "E Nelly". So much for all of my public speaking and communication classes.....

* Last week my sister and niece and nephew came down for a quick visit. We had so much fun. We had lunch at the park, hung out at my Mom's and then everybody came to our house to watch the FSU game and eat. Okay, Josh and Philip and Eli watched the game. My Mom played with the kids and me and Jenny ate. :) She got some super cute pics of the kids at the park, especially of Kate.

I just love how she is holding her pigtails!

In this pic she is winking and doing the special arm trick. In case you are not familiar with the secret arm trick, Jenny and I learned a while back that your arm does not look as big in pics if you put your hand on your hip. Brilliant, right?

In this pic you can see that my sister totally looks like Rockstar Mom and I look like sleep deprived Soccer Mom. Except my kids don't play soccer. But Jenny is totally a Rockstar Mom!

* On our Christmas break the OnDemand movie choices have been so bad that we have watched two of the Jurassic Park movies. (We did not allow the kids to watch these. Only ghosts, no dinosaurs.) We started watching the preview for the third one and it started talking about new discoveries and I thought, 'Yeah right. What else can they discover?' And then, they said they talked y'all!! I knew I had been homebound with 3 youngins when I got ridiculously excited about that development. I was disappointed though that they did not sing the Barney song. And I am sorry if I ruined that movie for anybody else who is still getting caught up on movies from 2001. Please forgive me.

* Today I had a very unique experience. If you read this blog you saw that my band director from high school passed away. Today was his funeral and after writing that blog and thinking about just how great his influence was in my life I wanted to be there. It was a great service and I got to see several classmates. We also took an extended lunch with our friends Kim and Mark who came into town for the service. It was so fun to catch up with them! But let me tell you what happened. As the preacher was reading the obituary he said he was going to share some of the comments that had been made by Mr. D's "children" (his band kids). He said he was going to read excerpts. I knew someone had shared my blog on his FB page, but I knew it was too long (and not very formal) so I didn't figure it was included in that. He read an awesome poem that someone had written. And then, he started reading my blog! In public! In a church! At a funeral! He never said my name, but I knew several of the people sitting around me had read it and I've never felt such panic. I don't know why but it just freaks me out to know people are reading stuff I've written. Seriously y'all, I really don't believe that people read what I write. But to have to listen to it read out loud! Not only that, but y'all know how I write. It's not exactly formal, funeral appropriate literature. I talked about my Dad wanting to beat him up and hormones and make-up for crying out loud! Josh said later that it would have only been better read in my voice. I asked him, "You think it sounded strange for my words to be coming out of a 60 year old man?" Ha! I also had a former teacher tell me that she had sent the blog to all of the teachers at my high school. Holy cow. Some very valuable lessons were learned through all of this. 1. Don't blog about something you wouldn't want read over someone at their funeral. 2. Proofread your blog like all of your former English teachers will be reading it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

* BTW, there were also comments from that blog that were shared. I'll tell you, they really touched me. I've just been blown away by the response to that blog. Last time I checked there have been 520 views of that page. I can ASSURE you that has nothing to do with my writing and everything to do with Mr. D and the influence he had. Seeing the impact he made on so many lives really makes me want to have that kind of impact on just one person in my life. It also really challenges me to tell people how much I value them and how they've influenced me while they are still here.

* How is your new year going? Any resolutions? Seen any good movies lately? :)

Remembering Mr. D

2012-01-02T20:14:00.006-05:00

At the tender age of 14 I embarked on a journey that would forever change who I was as a person. You might think I'm being overly dramatic (you wouldn't think that about me, would you? :), but it is really the truth. The spring of 8th grade I tried out for the high school's dance team and made it. I had been dancing since the age of 2, so I was excited. And unprepared. You see, our high school's dance team was part of the band and included in all band activities. Including band camp. Seven hour days in 100 degree heat dancing on asphalt. Kicking, marching, and splitting. I still have scars on my legs from splits on asphalt. (Okay, they're probably stretch marks, but I'm claiming they're scars.) The person in charge of this miserable event was a man named Mr. D. He scared me. He yelled and made us run laps and do push-ups. He told us over and over how bad we were doing and what a disgrace we would be to former alumni. I would go home crying. My Dad would ask me if I wanted him to go beat him up. (Violence solves everything right?) I didn't. Because I was sure that if my Dad survived that encounter, I wouldn't!!

Eventually, I toughened up. And Lord knows, I needed to toughen up! I look back on that time and feel like I must have been part superwoman. I'm hoping I did enough physical exercise during those 4 years to cover the rest of my life. I think there was a part of me that stayed scared of Mr. D until my senior year. Until I experienced a loss in my family and saw a softer, kinder side of Mr. D. I learned a lot from him and my band days.

I learned that being on time means being at least 15 minutes early. I learned that I can hold it on an 8 hour bus trip. I learned to change clothes and put on full stage make-up in a bus. That's a skill that still amazes Josh. He enjoys slamming on the brakes while I put on lipstick to try and mess me up. (We are so mature.) But, it never works. And I always remind him of my extensive experience with make-up application in moving vehicles. I learned that okay is not good enough. I learned that I was part of a team and that I was accountable to the other people on that team. I learned that there were no excuses. I learned to push myself and keep going no matter how bad I felt. That was one of the most valuable lessons I've learned in life so far. I learned that some times you just have to do stuff you hate to do because it has to be done. And sometimes you have to do it a lot. I learned that practice makes perfect. To this day I don't believe that a person is ready to perform anything unless they can do it backwards in their sleep.

Mr. D believed in excellence. He pushed his students to be better than okay or good. He pushed them to be excellent. Our band was called "The Pride" and I can honestly say that was how it felt to be a part of it. Not the bad kind, the good kind. The kind of pride that comes from working really, really hard and knowing that it paid off. Mr. D instilled in me that if you are going to do something, you need to do it with excellence. You need to do your absolute best and then push yourself to do even better. He set the bar high and then he gave you the tools and motivation to get there. At times I have seen performances that have made me feel so embarrassed for those performing and I've thought, 'Thank you Mr. D! Thank you for expecting more from us! Thank you for demanding more from us!' I've learned that it is a gift to have someone who cares enough to push you.

I went to school with some really talented kids and many of them have gone on to excel in performing arts. But the truth is, I don't think our band being great had all that much to do with our talent or abilities. I think it had everything to do with Mr. D and his ability to take a bunch of hormonal, clumsy, awkward kids and give them a sense of purpose, confidence and pride. He gave us the skills to march an awesome half-time show, but greater than that, he gave us memories and character and qualities that made us better people for the rest of our life.

Mr. D passed away on New Year's Eve after a battle with cancer. There is no question that the legacy he left is impressive and far reaching. If any of my old band buddies read this, I would love to hear your favorite Mr. D memory or how he made a difference in your life!

The Pride Seniors Class of '99

iResolve

2011-12-31T17:02:00.000-05:00

I don't know what you have planned for New Year's Eve tonight, but in this household the buzz is all about the new iCarly coming on. I promised the kids if they cleaned their rooms they could stay up until 8:00 to watch it. You would've thought I told them we were going to watch the ball drop in Time Square. Same level of excitement around here. :) I thought I would share the kids resolutions with you.

Sarah plans to exercise more, read more and take better care of her teeth. (You know she did NOT get the exercise thing from me.)

Eli wants to make his AR score even higher and brush his teeth more. (Thanks Sid the Science Kid, for teaching us how important it is to take care of our teeth.)

I asked Kate what her goals are and she did this......

When I think about the year 2011 it is the first one I can remember, maybe since I got married that was pretty uneventful. At least by our standards. For a while it seemed that every year held job changes, moves, babies or all kinds of big life stuff. This year, we enjoyed a kind of "settled" existence that brought lots of new memories, challenges and fun times.

We had some new stuff~

* We hosted our first open house for the church at Easter

* Eli played t-ball on the most awesome t-ball team in town

* I finished my first year as a dance teacher and had the chance to dance with Sarah

* I got a job teaching theatre and that was something VERY NEW!

*Kate got her first manicure. :)

We had some milestone stuff~

*Josh and I celebrated 10 years of marriage

* Our niece, Layla, was born

* Kate started pre-k

We had some fun times~

* Our kids have reached ages where things like bowling and the beach and going to the movies has become really fun!

* I had an awesome girls weekend getaway

*Josh got to play golf in Pensacola with his buddy, Matt

* We went to our first FSU game as a family and had tons of fun and ate lots of food

* Luke and Lyla got to spend the night at Aunty Em's all by themselves!

* The kids have had the opportunity to spend lots of time with the grandparents and be extra spoiled!

*Josh and I had an anniversary getaway that was heavenly!

We had some great victories~

*We saw our two brothers return safe from Afghanistan

* Sarah and Eli were both named Dazzling Dolphins in their grades for the year

* Our church began a children's church

* I was able to avoid surgery by making some big changes to my diet (something I've got to start doing better at again!)

* We payed off an $8,000 student loan in 10 months.

Yes, we did. And when I think back on 2011 that is truly the greatest victory. Not just for financial reasons, but because it overshadowed everything that happened in 2011. We were in a very difficult situation trying to pay that off and it meant that there were some experiences and opportunities this last year that had to be sacrificed. And it turned out to be the greatest thing for us. We do not use credit cards so when we were told we had to make almost $700 payments every month, I cannot even tell you the stress that hit this house. It was a suffocating, strangling kind of stress. There was panic and desperation. I try not to talk about money. I was taught it is not polite. But I just can't let this year go by without giving God the glory He is due, because truly I can't explain how we ended this year on our feet without Him. Every month, that payment got made. We were blessed that there were many times Josh was able to work with his Dad and make some extra money. We thought it would be paid off in May, but then we got notice that the company had misfigured and we owed another $700. At that point we were planning to go on a cruise to celebrate our anniversary and we knew that was out the window. We figured any plans for the rest of the summer were out the window. But, then what do you know? I randomly got offered a job teaching summer theatre classes and not only would it cover that last payment, but we would have enough to still do our weekend trip. Those months really became a blessing as we saw God work, but also realized how much better stewards we could be of our money if we were able to make those payments. What else could we be doing with that money for God's glory? God began to do a work in my heart about what is truly necessary in our lives and what are unnecessary luxuries that we don't even really miss.

I can say that this year has been so full of blessings. It has been a year for me personally of tough lessons. Of asking God to show me my heart and Him doing just that. I haven't always liked what I've seen. There's a lot of work to be done. I've also been reminded of a side of me I had forgotten. The side that loves to be creative. It has been a fun time for Josh and I to work on projects together and pray over our church together. But I will forever remember 2011 as a year of having my eyes opened. Opened to possibilities and new adventures. Opened to need and heartache around me. Opened to the reality that the world does not revolve around me and that is a GOOD thing.

I have my normal resolutions. Eat healthier, lose my weight I've found again, keep my house clean. But this year, I have such greater resolutions. I resolve that I will be a more caring, encouraging wife. I resolve that I will make my home a place of love and a refuge for people who might need it. I resolve that there will be more of Him and less of me. I resolve that I will care more about others and be more thoughtful towards them. I resolve that instead of living for moments of quiet and rest, I will live for moments when God can use me to bless someone else. Mostly, I resolve to fall more in love with Him and learn to lean on His strength. I resolve that in whatever 2012 brings, I will remember where my joy and peace come from. I resolve to speak with the same passion and conviction of Paul when he said,

" I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength."

~Philippians 4:12-13

We pray that this year, no matter what your circumstances you will know the contentment and peace of Jesus! And that you will have lots of laughter, someone to hold your hand, and that you only look back if it makes you smile! Oh, and good reading and healthy teeth, too! :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM THE FIDLERS!!!
And a special congratulations to my cousin Drew who is getting married today and our friends Matt and Cortnee who are welcoming their baby, Zhane, today!! What a way to start off the new year!

Creating Christmas

2011-12-24T01:21:00.001-05:00

Well y'all, I don't know what happened this year, but the month of December turned into a marathon of parties, baking, decorating, picture taking, play directing, set building, dancing,shopping, wrapping, visiting, and helping a friend move. I feel like I'm entering the last lap and pretty soon somebody will be waiting with a gatorade and a hug. Anybody else there? I shopped for 12 hours yesterday and decided that if you've been to 13 Christmas parties (yes, that is for real, I'm not even kidding) that is the way to feel justified in eating 1 (or 10) more pieces of candy. I will hit the highlights.

Our month started with children's theater production I was directing. I've done things like this before, but always on a volunteer basis. I got paid to do this, so I felt a little bit of pressure for it to actually be acceptable for public viewing. I won't lie. It was rough. Our entire first week of December went to building a set and everyday practices. Sometimes together. I got a touch of the stomach bug and when we were at practice and Josh was drilling in the wings, kids were forgetting their lines and Eli was asking me "How do you spell January?" I wanted to cry. And I actually did go home that Wednesday night, ask somebody to take my class at church and laid on the couch and cried. Then I felt better. Sometimes you just need a good cry and a nap. Anyway, it turned out great. I have the most talented group of kids. I really do. They totally came through for me. We did 3 shows and they just got better all day. During the 2nd show we had a prop malfunction. We used our futon to double as Scrooge's bed and a couch. In a very serious scene as we learn that little Suzy Loo Hoo died two of the girls sat down on the futon and BAM! It hadn't clicked into place and they went flying back, legs in the air. It was HILARIOUS! Y'all, I know I was just deliriously exhausted by that point but I could not stop laughing. One of my girls asked, "Mrs. Emily, do you need to step outside for a minute?" Oh, my gracious! I was in the wings mouthing "Make it look like your crying!" And they totally did and it was great. I just have to show y'all the pics of the bookcase and desk I found on google and the ones Josh built. He is amazing.

Here's a pic of our set

Josh even built the walls. He made that desk from the girls old dresser. He just cut it in half and built the middle. I picked out the colors and when I asked the guy at Wal-Mart to mix them he said, "You're not using them in the same room are you?" Ha! Gotta love being Seussy!!

Some of my other fun creations this month included these for teacher gifts. I got the kid's teachers other gifts, but Kate has 5 teachers in her pre-k, so I had to get creative! Okay, really I just found this on Pinterest and pretended to be creative. :)

The girls and I had lots of fun making this candy......We used mint kisses and to me they kind of tasted like Thin Mints!

The crowning glory of my Christmas creation was the veggie tree. Josh actually ended up doing most of it. Go figure. :) I couldn't find the cone I needed for it so he had to build one out of styrofoam cups. Guess that seemed like a piece of cake after the desk. :) I was super proud of it. Of course it was for Eli's class and I went to his party last time, so I helped Josh take it to the classroom and then left for Sarah's party. I made pb and j's for it. God likes to keep me humble. Can't get too big of a head about pb and j's. :)

I got this pic as evidence that there was one year I was that mom. Because next year I'm totally sending chips. :)

I shared these pics because I was thinking about the marathon I feel like I've been running and I realized it's because I'm officially a mom and really feel the need to "create" Christmas. I've wanted events and traditions and things that would make it feel like Christmas for my family. As I contemplated laying in the aisle and sucking my thumb in the 11th hour of shopping yesterday, I thought about Mary and the life that God created in her. I thought about the baby in a manger. I thought about telling that story to my church kids and setting up the nativity scene and saying, "This was the first Christmas." And the realization that I can bake and shop and wrap and decorate until my arms fall off, but I can't create anything greater than what God created on that first Christmas. How I pray that I will let go of the pressure to have the "best" Christmas.

*No matter how beautiful my tree is (and y'all, I love our little tree, but beauty is not the word for it :), there will never be a better gathering place than the manger.(Luke 2:16)

* No matter what recipes I find on Pinterest, Jesus is the Bread of Life. (John 6:35)

* No matter what Christmas cards I send, they will never hold a message as great as the one that Jesus had arrived! (Luke 2:9-10)

* No matter how much I decorate, my house will never shine like the star God gave. (Matthew 2:2)

* No matter what gift I buy, the greatest gift ever given was when Jesus came as Immanuel, God With Us. (Matthew 1:23)

Father, thank you for the greatest gift ever! Please remind us in this season that you are God with us. In the midst of busyness, fun, parties, stress, heartache, frustration, you are there through it all. You created Christmas when you came to this earth and became a personal Savior. Thank you for being my Savior. I pray that because you created Christmas, I will also allow you to create a new heart in me.

O Christmas Tree.....

2011-12-11T20:06:00.001-05:00

It's official. As of the 11th day of December there is no Christmas tree in the Fidler home. All of the other decorations are out. The stockings are hung. There is an empty space waiting for a tree. And yet....there is no tree. You see, we planned to get our tree yesterday. I ran to the Pig to get some stuff to make Red Velvet Cheesecake Brownies. Yes, they are as awesome as they sound. So anyway, I observed during that trip that the trees at the Pig weren't looking so hot. But, I had to get home and make brownies so I didn't think much about it. We got ready to go to a party at T and Dandy's house and before we knew it we had partied until dark. I suggested we look somewhere in PC for our tree due to the sad state of the ones I saw earlier in the day. Josh said we would just go to the Pig. So, we did. What followed was a Fidler Fiasco of epic proportions.

First, Kate fell asleep on the way.....

Then, we had Sarah who had just suffered a foot injury on T's exercise bike. She may or may not be a tad bit dramatic, but she told us she could not walk.

Eli was beyond super hyper and scaring people in the parking lot...

I wanted this to be a special family moment to remember for years to come. Well......we'll remember it.....

It was cold. We were freezing. Kate wouldn't wake up. Eli wouldn't chill out. Sarah was pointing at trees from the shopping cart. Eli told us to pick the tallest one and lets go! Josh decided none of the trees looked very good. I didn't say I told him so. Okay, maybe I did.

A highlight was getting this awesome pic of me and the kids. They just LOVE taking pics with me, can't ya tell? (Not everybody has a pic in the Christmas album that includes a shopping cart at the Pig. Just sayin')

We left there and headed to our fancy new Dollar General Market. No trees! From there we went to Family Dollar. Ugly trees! Oh who am I kidding? Like I can really be picky. I should probably have just gotten one of the half dead ones to start with. That's how it would look after 2 days in my house.

In other "I'm so awesome" news, my peppermint wreath totally melted and has been covered in bees. Yes, y'all, bees. I was going to throw it away and there were two bees having the time of their life on my peppermints. The next day I found one dead. I can't figure out if it got stuck, froze to death or died from a sugar overdose. Nothing adds to the beauty of a melted candy wreath like dead insects.

Add to that the fact that Daisy knocked the gingerbread house down and destroyed it and I am really thinking we need to quit while we're ahead......

It's Beginning to Look A Little Like Christmas....

2011-12-03T20:37:00.001-05:00

Did y'all know it is December? Apparently there are people who have trees decorated, lights hung on the house, and presents wrapped and ready. I'm pretty sure I don't even have to tell you I'm not one of those people. What do I have? One present, a snowflake throw on the couch and a wreathe hanging outside. And let me tell y'all about this wreathe. It was supposed to be THIS wreathe. Well, I got all of the stuff and put Kate to work helping me unwrap peppermints. We hot glued that baby together. It was far from perfect, but if you didn't look too close it was okay. Would you believe that the next day IT MELTED! Am I the only one too clueless to not realize it probably shouldn't go outside? Oh well. It was good while it lasted. All 22 hours.

We decided to wait and get our tree next weekend because we have had so much going on and we wanted to wait until we could make it a fun, family outing. The truth is that the theater group is performing next Friday night and I am at the point now where I am in the zone. It's mostly all I can think about. Three of my dance classes performed today at a breakfast with Santa (who, by the way, my Mom overheard saying he "had to go" as soon as we got there) and now that that is over, I feel like if I can just make it through next week I will be okay. Any of you ever feel that way? I actually woke up at 3 am last Monday morning completely stressed out about the craziest stuff. I finally prayed enough and realized just how crazy it was and I can honestly say I have felt so much better and so not as stressed. I had even planned to spend today stressed out and working on props and stuff. You know it is bad when you plan to be stressed. But, I decided I did all I could last week and this whole next week will be devoted to it, so, I enjoyed the day.

I was sooo proud of my girls who danced. They had two weeks to learn their dances and they did fabulous. I don't have any pics, but my Mom got some. So, after all the dancing we went out to eat. We ate at a little burger place downtown and sat outside. It was 70 degrees. It didn't feel like Christmas and I was okay with that. I soaked up the rays while looking at the downtown decorations. I could have sat there all day. Seriously, I really could have. I don't know about y'all, but I'm good as long as I keep going. Once I sit down, I'm done! I finally dragged myself home.

My Mom gave the kids a gingerbread house kit. That is something I usually wait until closer to Christmas to do, but since we had a few hours before the Christmas parade I decided we should make the most of them. The kids had a blast. I learned last year at Eli's class party that you need a box or something to hold the house up. I found a box of bow tie pasta I thought would work and came up with my own cheesy broccoli and carrot pasta. It served a great double purpose. :)

They were so proud of themselves for knowing how to put the frosting in this thing. They saw it on Cake Boss.

This is blurry because it is an action shot. Eli thought it was fun to throw the candy and see if it would stick.

These girls had a plan.

My first favorite Christmas memory of 2011.

We also made it to the parade tonight. All 15 minutes of it. You think I'm kidding don't you? I'm not. What can I say, we're a small town. :) But it was perfect weather and a good time.

It was a little loud....

Kate and Eli wouldn't wear their Santa hats so Sarah asked me if I would. I really did NOT want to wear one, but I know in the next few years my babygirl will be too old and too cool for things like wearing Santa hats. So I wore it. And I thought about how quickly we go from the phase of life when our parents embarrass us to the phase when our kids do. And I am happy I have this picture and this story for the day when I ask Sarah to do something with me and she says, "Mom, that is SO embarrassing!!" :)

What is going on at your house this weekend that feels like Christmas???

Yes, It Applies To You

2011-12-01T22:10:00.001-05:00

Kate came home from school excitedly telling me about Mrs. B's paddle. "It's hard" she told me, with a smile on her face. I nodded and smiled for a second until a lightbulb came on and I looked at Josh. He gave me the look that says, yes, it is what you are thinking. "Did you get paddled?" I asked incredulously. It wasn't registering. It couldn't be real. Surely this was not for real. She must have seen someone else get paddled. She put her head down with a look of shame and Josh confirmed it. I just couldn't wrap my head around it. I don't pretend that any of my kids are perfect saints, but Kate has had a smiley face everyday since school started. A paddling was a far fall. Didn't we at least get a frowny face warning? I just stared at Josh, my jaw hanging. He explained to me that when he went to pick Kate up he told her to pick her coat up off the floor. She wouldn't do it. She set her heels in and gave him what we've termed "the Kate Face". That went on for a few minutes until her teacher told her to pick it up and she wouldn't listen to her either. She then took Kate into her office for a talking to. Still didn't work. Mrs. B told Josh that since he was there he could handle the situation, but because it was school and there were so many people around that it might be better if she did.

I won't lie. I cried. All I could think was that it was a good thing I wasn't there. At first I didn't know how I felt about it. I had JUST had a conversation with someone a few days earlier about how I don't mind other people disciplining my kids, but I prefer that they let me do the spanking. At some point Josh said, "We signed the paper saying our kids could be paddled...." and I found myself thinking, 'Yeah, but I never thought they would be!!' And at that moment a truth that God has been dealing with me a great deal about came to life. Basically what I was saying was that I understand the need for consequences, I just don't expect them to apply to me.

I'm not sure why I would struggle with that. Consequences have always applied for me. I was always the kid who was good 99% of the time, but the one time I talked in class I got caught. My very first speeding ticket was in a small town and instead of giving a terrified 18 year old girl a warning, they TOOK MY LICENSE and I balanced the town's budget that year. The second, and only other ticket I've gotten, was because of an expired license plate that I couldn't fix because the bank didn't have the official title to the jeep or something crazy like that. I ended up having to take 3 kids under the age of six to court. To court, y'all!!! Anyway, what I'm saying is, I've experienced some consequences in my day. But I can honestly tell you that it is 50 trillion times worse to see your kids suffer negative consequences. You know that saying, "This is gonna hurt me more than you"? It is for real. It hurts my heart to discipline my kids. To take things away from them or keep them from doing things they want to do.

I am blessed. For the most part my kids are very well behaved. Except for when they're getting paddled at school. :) It is not often I have to discipline them That hasn't always been true. Anyone who experienced the toddlerhood of Sarah Beth Fidler knows that she put the strong will in the strong willed child. There were days I was pretty sure all I did was get on to her. There were days my 3 year old was physically stronger than me. If you don't believe that can be possible try putting one in a car seat while they arch their back. There were days other people gave me the "I'm so sorry for you" look. But we made it, and Sarah makes me proud every second of her life. She still has a strong will, but it has been molded. She still has to deal with some consequences like not having friends over if she hasn't cleaned her room, but she has come a long way. And she taught me something very important. There are no "Good kids" or "Bad kids". The Bible tells us we are all born with a sinful nature and that just makes us human. We all make good decisions and bad decisions. We all have to face consequences to teach us to make more good decisions than bad ones.

I've said for a while now that Kate was going to be rotten. She is my baby and I will admit that I am way more laid back with her. Mostly out of exhaustion. :) Not really. Her strong will has always manifested itself differently than Sarah's and it usually shows up with what she won't do, as opposed to what she will. I guess this week was just the wake up call I needed that I'm not doing her any favors if I let her avoid consequences. I have a responsibility to teach each of my children that it doesn't matter if you're cute, it doesn't matter if you're the preacher's kid, and it doesn't matter if it makes your Mama cry. If you mess up, you've got to face the music. Yes, even at the age of 4. Especially at the age of 4. I realized early on with Sarah that if we didn't let her know who the boss was when she was 2, she would for sure be the boss when she is 16. And that was not happening!!

Unfortunately, the lesson of reaping what you sow is not limited to childhood. I am ashamed of the times I have whined to God and said, "But I'm a preacher's wife! I do this and I do that! I've always tried to do the right thing." I then usually turn to pointing out other people who haven't faced the same consequences even if they've deserved them. (Turns out I'm rotten, too.) God is not impressed with this. He always reminds me of Hebrews 12:10. "They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness."

It's for my good? Yep. You mean I can't share in God's holiness if I always get my way and never have to face the consequences of anything I do? Nope. You see, I am a recipient of so much more mercy than I could ever deserve. That's the point. Mercy is God NOT giving us what we deserve. As in, hell. The truth is, He has shown even more mercy than that. There are plenty of things I've done that I haven't paid the full consequences of. But for the times when I've had to deal with the messes I've made, it was good. It was for my good. Because He loves me with a true love that won't leave me where I am. He loves me in a way that cares more about the person I become than my temporary happiness. He loves me enough to discipline me, even if it hurts Him more than it hurts me.

Yes, I've known grace and mercy. But the rules still apply to me. And to each of us. And it's a good thing.

Whatnot Wednesday: It's Like 10,000 Spoons When All You Need is a Knife

2011-11-30T21:42:00.001-05:00

* WARNING: This will not be encouraging. This will be me venting.

* My favorite shoe broke last weekend. In the grocery store.

* I almost got hit by a taxi pulling out in the parking lot at Mr. Cheap Butts. Later I was kind of disappointed I didn't. The jeep could use a new paint job.

* We're getting a piano tomorrow. Nobody knows how to play the piano in our house.

* Yesterday I typed out a letter to my theater parents and when I went to print it, it was gone. I learned that I had typed it using a program that we only had a 60 day trial for. Guess when the 60 days was up. Yep.

* My tap girls are doing a dance to the song "Hot Chocolate" from The Polar Express this weekend. I went today to get mugs and saucers to use as their props. After my hour and a half round trip, I got home to realize that even though I asked the cashier if everything was in the one bag she handed me, it was not.

* My eye has been twitching for 3 days.

* Monday Josh went to get all of the wood and sheetrock for our set. He realized after he bought everything that he couldn't fit it to bring it home. He had to wait for his Dad to finish work so he could borrow his bread truck. By the time he got home it was freezing and raining and everything weighed 80 trillion tons. That's an exact weight. I'm waiting for him to get out our wedding video and find the part where he vowed to build sets for plays.

* I started drinking coffee today. I guess I'm becoming a grown-up.

* I'm having the kind of week where if you ask me my opinion, I will give it to you.

* If my Dad were here he would tell me to take some Midol and go to bed. :)

* On a happier note, we have a whole new collection of Coca-Cola glasses from McDonald's. Put those with the new souvenir cups Josh and Eli got at the FSU game and we are totally ready for a dinner party.

* If I had an elf on the shelf he would be telling Santa bad things about me.

* Thanks for letting me vent. I know I'm ridiculous. Even as I type this I am thankful beyond measure for all of the blessings in my life. Even on my most stressful day God allows me a glimpse into other's lives and reminds me that on my worst day, I've got it good. But if you need to vent too, feel free. :)

Holiday Highlights

2011-11-25T14:35:00.001-05:00

* Watching my 6 year old, who is a very quiet, serious 6 year old jam to "Tonight Tonight" in the car. We rolled the windows down and he sang the loudest. I heart him. On the way home last night at 11:45 he woke up for a few seconds and that song came on. I heard him singing and I looked in the backseat and no lie, he was singing in his sleep.

* Seeing Kate snuggle with Mamaw

* Dressing. And potato salad. And sweet potato casserole. And Mamaw's green beans made with oil and sugar that keep all the nutrients in. :) Okay, maybe I should just write FOOD.

* Watching the "Dancing With the Stars" Finale with the whole fam and Mamaw telling me that Josh and I should be on there. That is totally one of our New Year's Resolutions this year.

* Going shopping the day before Thanksgiving because a cold front came through and my aforementioned 6 year old was literally down to one pair of jeans that didn't have holes in the knees. While we were at JCPenney I saw an artist easel that was half off and told my brother the kids had talked about wanting one. A few minutes later he had disappeared and we were standing in line to check out. I looked across the store and there goes Phil carrying that huge box with the art easel!! He is just the best uncle.

* My Mom and aunt took the kids to the Dollar Tree while we shopped and Eli got a puzzle, Sarah got a coloring book and Kate got a baby doll bottle. Today they have played with their stuff like it is the greatest stuff ever. I'm thankful my kids are still entertained by Dollar Tree toys!

* Spending time with family.

I promised Mamaw I wouldn't put any pics of her on FB, but she didn't say anything about my blog. :)

* My Uncle brought his puppy that is a week old and being bottle fed every two hours. It was very entertaining to watch a grown man give a puppy a bottle and hear him talk about how exhausting two hour feedings are.

* My aunt kept the kids at her house a lot so it kind of felt like vacation for me!

* Cuddling on the couch with my hubby.

* Basketball game after the meal. Watching it, not playing. Are you kidding? I could barely walk after eating that meal, much less run around!

* Realizing how much these kids have grown and changed since last year.

Thanksgiving 2010

Thanksgiving 2011

* To top off my holiday highlights today I am remembering the day after Thanksgiving 10 years ago. It was mine and Josh's first Thanksgiving as a married couple. I went shopping on Black Friday with T, and Mammy and Leah and I was sooo sick. I thought I was getting the flu. A few weeks later we found out we were getting a Sarah! I am so thankful for that sweet child!

I am late, but just wanted to wish everyone out there in blogland a Happy Thanksgiving from the Fidlers!

"Tire"d?

2011-11-21T15:22:00.001-05:00

There are so many things I am thankful for, but today I feel extra thankful for my husband. We truly are partners and I'll tell ya, the Fidler circus could not keep the 3 ring act we've got going called life in motion without each other. Last night we were discussing how the craziest things always happen to us and Josh told me that if he had to go through all the craziness I was the one he wanted to go through it with. He said, "You make life bearable." And I had to give him a very hard time about that statement and decided that it would be the perfect sentiment to put on a 13th Anniversary card. "Happy 13th Anniversary. You Make Life Bearable." Ha! But, I know exactly what he means. If at times life is going to stink (and it will), it's important to have someone who will shrug their shoulders with you and laugh. It's all you can do.

When the tire went flat on the Jeep over a week ago Josh came home and started looking for the best deal on a new set. He ordered some from Sam's and they were expected to arrive at the store in 3-5 days. That was 2 Fridays ago, meaning they should have been there by Wednesday at the latest. We've been waiting on pins and needles, checking his e-mail obsessively and crossing our fingers they would be here. We are planning to leave to go out of town tomorrow and tires are a pretty important part of that plan. I will just tell you now that my husband has the patience of a saint. I know, you don't have to say it. I am aware that it takes the patience of a saint to be married to me. I'm glad I could help cultivate that in his life. :) Anyway, he kept saying he was just going to call and tell them he was going to have go somewhere else, but he never did it. Finally, he just headed out to Sam's to handle things in person. He texted me saying that the website will actually let you order stuff that is not even in stock and apparently that is what had happened. However, they had gotten some and they were expected to get there today. He was just going to sit at the store and wait for the FexEx truck to get there. I won't lie, I've been beyond frustrated. I started wondering what we would do if they weren't on that truck. We had discussed renting a car for this week, but the thought of renting a car AND having to pay for tires when we got back at this time of year (or anytime for that matter) was not making me a happy camper.

Finally, I got the text saying they were here and Josh was waiting to have them mounted on the rims. Relief. As much as I've loved driving a 15 passenger van around town, I am very eager to once again be able to get out of the driver side door and listen to the radio. I got another text. It said, "Tell me God doesn't give divine appointments..." He went on to tell me that the manager of the tire department he had been dealing with all day is a former pastor who has taken time off to care for his Mom and Father in law and that he thought he needed some encouragement. And my heart swelled with love for this man that I get to call mine. This man who has patiently and graciously dealt with frustrations that would leave most of us (okay, maybe just me) making ugly faces and saying ugly things. And to top it off, he was able to see God's hand in it. That not only did his not so patient wife need to experience some inconvenience in her life to grow some patience, but that today was the day a tire department manager needed some encouragement and Josh Fidler needed to be there to give it. I'm thankful that while I was just tired of the whole situation, he allowed God to use him and saw that the person in charge of the tires was more important than the tires.

"And as for you, brethren, do not become weary or lose heart in doing right [but continue in well-doing without weakening]."

2 Thessalonians 3:13

I Threw the Plant Away

2011-11-20T18:16:00.001-05:00

If you lose a loved one, they give you a plant. It's kind of like when your parents go on vacation and bring you back a t-shirt. "Oh, your Dad died? Here's a plant." Now don't get me wrong, I could not have been more thankful for all of the flowers and plants and cards and outpourings of love from people when I lost my Dad. I do not in any way want to seem ungrateful. I just will never forget when the funeral was over and life was back to "normal" and I looked in the corner of my dining room and I had...a plant. I was simultaneously reminded of how loved I felt during the time of my Dad's loss and how catastrophic my loss was. I was so thankful for people who had thought of my family and given to us during that time. And I was devastated that in place of a Daddy hug and Daddy advice, I had a plant.

The truth is, it could have been a plaque, a casserole dish, or a piece of jewelry. There just isn't a "thing" that can replace a person. And of course, that isn't the point. It's not there to replace them, just to comfort you. To remind you of that person and those who loved you through their loss. I came to love my plant. I don't exactly have a green thumb or the best history with plants. I always say that I won't buy plants because it is premeditated murder, but I made sure to care for that plant. I called it my Resurrection plant because there were times it would start to look pretty bad, but it would always come back. Well, over the last month or so, I couldn't get it back. It was gone. But I also couldn't bring myself to throw it out. So it sat in it's pretty little planter in my dining room, a sad, shriveled up mess. This week, I finally threw it away.

It was a little symbolic that it happened this week. There is no holiday that makes me think of my Dad more than Thanksgiving. It represents everything my Dad loved-food, family and football. His birthday is also next Saturday and so that just adds to my feeling that Thanksgiving was his holiday. When I was still at home he would always wake me up to watch the Rose Bowl Parade because he knew I loved it. Last Thanksgiving we went to my sister's house and, as I did with all holidays last year, I went into overdrive trying to plan things to stay busy and doing my best to do anything but really deal with the reality of our first holidays without him. This year, it won't be so easy. We will soon be leaving for Mississippi to visit family. And my Dad's grave. I just felt sick to my stomach writing that. Because my Dad has a grave and a headstone and instead of trying to figure out what to get him for his birthday I'm trying to decide if I should take something to place on his grave. This will be my first time to visit the cemetery since we buried him, almost two years ago. I've been dreading it for months. Trying to prepare myself. Wondering how it will feel. Not really wanting to know how it will feel.

The truth is, my Dad is gone. And that is a reality I've been dealing with for two years. It's something I know every time I go to Panama City and don't see him, every time I want to call him and I can't, and every time I post a pic of my kids on FB and he doesn't comment and say that they are his beautiful grandchildren. But in the craziness of life I have no choice but to keep going, keep moving and as Elisabeth Elliot said, "Do the next thing".

As I put my plant in the trash and prepared my heart to visit my Dad's grave I felt that was the message spoken to me. It's time to do the next thing. Does that mean that I will magically stop grieving or mourning my Dad? Nope. As each day passes I've just realized that his absence in my life will be felt stronger and stronger. There will be more he misses out on, more I want to talk to him about, more I wish I could tell him. Daddy's are not easily forgotten or replaced. Not the kind that I had. Not the kind who make sure you stay safe, make sure you stay happy, and make sure you feel like you matter to somebody on this earth. It truly is a loss, and there are no special words or amount of time that makes that better. But, as birthdays and holidays and anniversaries approach (and the seem to all be at the same time for my Dad), it is tempting to dwell on the ache in my heart. It is tempting to overlook all of the many good things in my life and focus on this one loss. It is tempting to shrivel up like that plant and hide in the corner. Thankfully, I have a Heavenly Father who does a much better job of caring for me than I did that plant. I am counting on Him to keep me not just going, but growing.

A poem quoted by Elisabeth Elliot
Do The Next Thing

"At an old English parsonage down by the sea,
there came in the twilight a message to me.
Its quaint Saxon legend deeply engraven
that, as it seems to me, teaching from heaven.
And all through the hours the quiet words ring,
like a low inspiration, 'Do the next thing.'
Many a questioning, many a fear,
many a doubt hath its quieting here.
Moment by moment, let down from heaven,
time, opportunity, guidance are given.
Fear not tomorrow, child of the King,
trust that with Jesus, do the next thing.
Do it immediately, do it with prayer,
do it reliantly, casting all care.
Do it with reverence, tracing His hand,
who placed it before thee with earnest command.
Stayed on omnipotence, safe 'neath His wing,
leave all resultings, do the next thing.
Looking to Jesus, ever serener,
working or suffering be thy demeanor,
in His dear presence, the rest of His calm,
the light of His countenance, be thy psalm.
Do the next thing."

Bears, Mice and Church Vans, Oh My!

2011-11-19T21:39:00.001-05:00

I have been trying to wait until I have the energy and mental capability to write in a coherent, well organized manner. Well, I'm giving up on that. I've come to the conclusion that it may be mid January before I have energy or a structured thought. So, instead I will just ramble, post pictures and try to update you on WASSUP! Can you already tell this is going to be bad?

Mostly what is up is lots of activity. Lots and lots of activity. Monday night at work Barbie told me she wanted me to come up with some Christmas dances for my classes to perform at an event the first Sat. in Dec. I knew we would be doing Christmas dances, I just didn't realize it would be so early in the month. With next week off for Thanksgiving that gave me this last Thursday and the Thursday after Thanksgiving to teach the dances (that I hadn't yet choreographed as of Monday night). YIKES! That sent my brain into overload.

Tuesday and Wednesday we had theater practice. Wednesday I looked up and saw this on stage.

In case you are wondering, that is, in fact, a bear. And no, there is no bear character in our play. Our "Scrooge" just decided he felt like dressing as a bear. I don't know y'all. I can't explain it. I just roll with it. And thank God that I have a job where sometimes people come in costume. It's fun. And hard to take anything seriously. And sometimes I take things too seriously.

I started feeling a cold coming on at some point between Tuesday and Wednesday and wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. I just felt bad. Not real bad. Just the "I want to lay on the couch with a blanket, fuzzy socks and a good movie" kind of bad. And I knew that wasn't going to happen. So I pressed on. And found excitement in my newfound favorite cleaning products. Baking soda and vinegar y'all. Do you use it? It's so great. It's like a chemistry experiment everytime you use it. My excitement over cleaning products can only be matched by the fact that we just got a new Dollar General Marketplace right by our house. It has bananas y'all! Very exciting stuff.

As hard as it is to top that kind of excitement, Wednesday night was even more exciting as my class at church packed boxes for Operation Christmas Child. We've been collecting money for several months now and I was very pleased we were able to do boxes for 5 boys and 5 girls.

We have been waiting on my new tires to be delivered and they are taking their sweet little time. That means I've been driving the church van. Fun times. My favorite part is that the driver side door is broken so I have to get out and in of the passenger side. You should see the looks I get. :) The biggest bummer is that the radio doesn't work. It was a long 45 minute drive on Friday to drop these boxes off in Panama City. Especially after I spent all week listening to a most random collection of songs to dance to for Christmas and the end of the year recital. If anyone saw me, yes I was the girl in the church van singing "Bugle Boy", "Let It Snow", and a song called "Absent Minded Mice". Oh my, I have to tell y'all about that.

No one can appreciate this the way my blog readers can. So, a couple of weeks ago I was telling Barbie I was trying to figure out a song for my Tiny Tots to dance to at a community event we were having. Barbie, having no idea about my history tells me she has the perfect song. It's called "The Absent Minded Mice"!!!! So for the last few weeks I've been singing "We're always hungry cuz we can't find the cheese, can't find the cheese, can't find the cheese." Today I dressed my child as a mouse wondered if I will ever be free of mice. It's ok. I like this one. :)

I didn't think I was ever going to convince Kate to put those ears and tail on. Or dance. She wasn't having it. I had bribed her with Barbies and threatened her with naps. Then, we got to the event and there was a big inflatable slide. That was it. The bribe she would accept. We even got a video of her dancing. I'm in the back doing the music and acting a fool because one of the girls kept looking back at me, despite the fact that there were 2 assistants dancing in front of the girls. It was so funny. If I did the dance she would do it too, but she was facing the wrong way! It is also a jerky video because Josh was being attacked by a yellow jacket while he recorded it. Oh well. The point is, Kate danced and we have proof.

Thursday was a day full of Christmas dances. I was feeling really stressed out because I wasn't feeling good and coming up with dances is one of those hit or miss things. Thankfully, they came to me that day and my girls worked super hard to learn them. Yesterday I finally got my hair cut. I feel like I'm acceptable for public viewing now. I just love my hair lady. She totally knows that when I say, "I'm kind of bored and want to do something different" what I really mean is "Please just trim my split ends and leave it exactly the way it is because I don't have time to go through the emotional transition of new hair". She's good like that.

I left the hair salon and made my way to the school for an extra rehearsal I had scheduled for the theater kids since we will miss next week. I called it a "prop party" because I figure people can't resist a party, right? It was really a day I wanted them to bring in things they had that they thought would work for their costumes or scenes so I could see what we have and what we still need. I was so exhausted and could barely talk by the time that practice started so I just sat back, watched them come out in blue wigs and the craziest outfits you've ever seen and just laughed. I am pretty sure I will be crying come the week after Thanksgiving when we are officially in practice everyday, stay up all night building sets, nobody knows their lines mode. But for now, I'll laugh.

All week I have willed myself to get better because tonight was a big night. The first official Fidler girl's night out. Josh and Eli were invited to the FSU game so I decided that me and the girls needed a fun night, too. I let Sarah set the agenda because that's what she does. She's my planner. She chose Olive Garden, pedicures, shopping, and milkshakes from Chick-Fil-A. Pretty good, right? I have to be honest, I wasn't crazy about the pedicure. You will know how weird I am when I tell you this- pedicures stress me out. I don't know what my deal is. I'm just really ticklish, and I always feel like I need to help the lady working on my feet, and I HATE massage chairs. I know! I don't know what's wrong with me. I have sensory issues for real. But, once I was in the chair and my feet were in the hot water, I calmed down.

And, no matter what it was worth it to watch my girls. They were born for the beauty shop.

They picked a blue and a gold color.

These girls know how to do a girl's night out!

Sarah told me twice that this was the greatest night ever. So that makes it the greatest night ever for me. :)

I'm just feeling so thankful for the gifts I've been given-the jobs, opportunities, responsibilities, and the cool church van to do it all in. :) I'm especially thankful for the people this season has brought into my life. Even the ones in bear costumes and mouse tails.

The Color Purple

2011-11-12T10:28:00.001-05:00

So just last night I talked about God providing rest in times of busyness. And here I am for the first time in about 2 months on a Saturday with nothing to do. I am feeling torn right now. You see, we were scheduled to have family pictures made today and you may remember from this post that I've been a little obsessed with these pictures. However, my firstborn awoke me several times throughout the early morning to inform me that she had just thrown up. She's at the age that she can handle things like that on her own, but she just needs me to know about it, you know? Anyway, she is looking pitiful on the couch right now and I know she is sick. She is a girl on the go, so when she doesn't want to go, she is sick.

I am beginning to think these pics just were not supposed to happen today anyway. Yesterday I got out of the Jeep when I got home from picking Kate up from school and heard a sound. It just happened to be all of the air coming out of my passenger side tire. Awesome. Josh was running a bread route yesterday and today (I don't know if y'all have noticed this, but these things always seem to happen when he is in another town) so I am vehicle-less. I've had a gift certificate I got last Christmas that I was going to use to get my nails done and nobody would ever answer the phone when I tried to make my appointment. I can't find Kate's skirt. It has vanished from the face of the earth. Due to being vehicle-less I can't get my hair did, and I have to tell y'all that it is probably the greatest act of mercy ever that we have to reschedule these pictures because I need a haircut more than anybody has ever needed a haircut in their lives. Did I also mention that FSU is playing Miami today during our scheduled photo shoot? Or that we have to cook for our Thanksgiving meal at church tomorrow? Okay, so maybe this wasn't the best day ever. The problem is that the only other day our photographer could schedule us in is next Wednesday. Not exactly the most convenient time for us, but hey, I will totally check my kids out of school early and cancel theatre classes for pictures! But only if I get my hair fixed!!!! :)

The truth is I've been excited about shopping for our outfits. I've put a lot of time and thought into the perfect color coordination. And after discovering Awkward Family Photos I realized just how important this decision is. I mean, this might have seemed the obvious choice for fall pictures, but I just don't think we could use this for our Christmas card.

I thought about saving my color choice for the big reveal of our pictures, but then I remembered nobody but me really cares. :) And....I may be in the nursing home before we get these pics made. So, the color palette I went with is purples and grays. A special thanks to my cousin, Lauran for supplying a great link on pinterest that has every color option you could think of. Purple has always been one of my favorite colors. It goes back to the days when my Mom dressed my sister and I in the same outfit but different colors. Jenny was always pink and I was always purple. I even had a purple phone. Remember the kind you used to plug into the wall? Yeah, one of those. :)

Me and Jenny in our pink and purple. We still really like ice cream. :)

So, this last week after hours online searching for the perfect clothes I headed out to actually gather them. I just don't trust ordering clothes online. I was disappointed I couldn't find the dress I wanted for Kate in the store, but I decided to go more simple with her outfit and focus more on the accessories. Oh.my.word! How fun! EVERYTHING is purple now! I found the cutest hair accessories and some super cute tights to wear under her black tutu skirt (if I ever find it). I even got purple shoes for me!!! It is probably too much purple, but remember, I love purple! They kind of look like these, but mine are a little different.

Originally I was just going to wear my boots. I finally broke down and bought new boots. And jeggings. I thought the world might come to an end. But, the jury is still out on how I feel about them. The truth is, they are the most comfortable shoes I've ever worn. The jeggings too. I imagine they are how pajama jeans feel. I've gotten lots of compliments on them, but I've also been told they look like stripper boots. Personally, I feel like a pirate when I wear them. So, what I'm saying is that even though I've decided to wear them, I'm not sure I want a family pic in them to forever immortalize the stripper pirate look.

This picture cracks me up. Me trying to be trendy. My 4 year old too embarrassed to be seen with me. Sarah wearing my too big for her coat because we can't find hers. This is how I imagine our family pics will turn out. It's just a guess.....

Anybody else noticing a theme?

So, I have a few days now to get a little more organized. Here's my new To Do list:

- Find Kate's skirt

- Get my head shaved

- Buy Eli black socks

- Decide if I should try to pull off purple shoes or pirate boots

- Get my nails done and pray they last at least long enough for a picture

- Lose 10 pounds and get a tan (this is a constant on my to do list.....)

- Meditate and think happy thoughts and tell myself that I will not lose my cool even if Kate is hiding in all of our pics.

-Stock up on candy and all other means of bribery.

-Look forward to winning the next big contest on Awkward Family Photos!!!

I will leave you with a past winner of a family picture. This could only be better if we were wearing pumpkin suits......

Overwhelmed

2011-11-11T22:06:00.001-05:00

There are many times I feel overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by exhaustion, bills, activities, chores, emotions, and sometimes, even people. When I was depressed "overwhelmed" was my word. I told myself often that I was overwhelmed. As God healed me He used the words of Psalm 61:2 to speak to me. "From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I." So many times now, He has led me to a rock that is higher than me. In times of need He has provided. In times of busyness He has given me rest. In times of discontentment and grumbling He has opened my eyes to just how blessed I am.

This last week I've experienced a different kind of "overwhelmed". Over and over God has reminded me of where He has brought me. Where He has brought me from. And it's overwhelmed me. When I say "God is good", I mean it. The other night I drove up to my house with fall decorations and a yard full of scooters, tricycles and balls. And I wanted to cry. I had just heard a heartbreaking story about a girl whose life will never be the same because of a tragic circumstance. And it occurred to me how unbelievably blessed I am that God's grace has covered so many of my bad choices and His Spirit has empowered me to avoid others. It is overwhelming.

I often share stories of the chaos and craziness of motherhood. I can't tell you we've outgrown that stage. Just today Kate didn't want to stay at school because she didn't like her shirt and my tire went flat as soon as I got home from the school. But, in the midst of the craziness and chaos, I have felt overwhelmed by the gift I've been given by having these little people in my life. Their Daddy, too. I've given up asking God why He's been so good to me. I've just started thanking Him. I've learned it's all Him.

Highlights of my week in motherhood:

* Wednesday night Eli wrote "E loves Mommy" on his paper at church. What can I say? Mommy loves E. :)

* Today Kate asked me what she should name her kids. I know, this should be terrifying after her announcement that she has a boyfriend. But I love that she thinks being a Mommy is a good thing. She decided on the names Jasper and Kyla.

* Before deciding on names for her children Kate told me she wants to be a ballerina firefighter. I hope that means she will entertain people while the fires are being put out.

* At dance last night Sarah had a slap bracelet. I took it and was playing with it while I watched the girls dance. I realized I was bleeding and had somehow managed to cut myself with a slap bracelet. (I am talented like that.) Sarah was so upset and threw the bracelet away right there! This morning I had already forgotten all about it, but the first thing she asked me was how my hand was. She is so compassionate!

* Tonight, Eli asked if he could go grocery shopping with me. I decided to just take him because I feel like I don't spend as much one on one time with him. I couldn't believe he wanted to go grocery shopping, but he wanted to hold the list and mark stuff off. I think he may have also figured out he has a better chance of getting a few extra things that he really likes if he "helps" with the shopping. :)

* I'm in love with these babies. And overwhelmed that God loves me enough to put them in my life!

Whatnot Wednesday

2011-11-02T21:39:00.000-04:00

* We survived Halloween. All 8 weeks of it. Seriously, I don't remember Halloween ever being so involved. The good news this year was that all of my kids picked super easy, super cheap things they wanted to be. A cat, a Seminole, and Rapunzel. And they were pretty cute, if I do say so myself.

I really need to fix my F on my pumpkin, but I figure, why bother? I should probably wait until Kate is 10.

* Speaking of Kate, she informed us last night that she has a boyfriend. And that they were moved to different tables. That sounded like trouble to me, but her teacher assured me they moved all the kids around. Thank goodness! I don't know what to do with this news. Sarah has NO interest in boys and I actually found something she had written kind of like a journal entry where she talked about one of her friends and she said, "I don't know what's wrong with her. I think she likes boys." Yeah, Sarah, what is up with that????

* I think I've changed my mind about the colors for our family pictures. I actually got out of bed at 12:30 last night to Google sweaters and dresses and shoes. For real. This is getting out of hand. I'm not sure why I'm obsessing over this so much. Have I mentioned that I'm not even sure if we have a time between now and Christmas that we could have them made? That may be God's way of telling me to GET OVER COLOR SCHEMES FOR PICTURES. SLEEP. Ya think?

* Tonight I had a really neat activity for church to teach the 10 Commandments. I had cut up slips of paper with all of the commandments and put them in envelopes. I left one commandment out of each envelope and attached a piece of candy to it. The kids had to glue the commandments in order and guess which one they were missing. It kind of turned into chaos and craziness. Especially when I realized I left the envelopes with the slips of paper at my house. That's right, I put the envelopes I had prepared back in the box and took the empty envelopes to church!!! I had to get someone to sit with the kids while I ran to my house. I decided then and there that is why God made me a preacher's wife. So I will always live in the parking lot of the church to be able to run back and get stuff I forget.

* Kate and I had a great talk about commandments while I was preparing. I told her they were rules. Like that we shouldn't steal. She said, "Or be still. Or eat candy. And go to bed." Gotta love the commandments according to Kate. :)

* When I got home tonight "My Best Friend's Wedding" was on. I love that movie, but it still breaks my heart. It also always makes me long for a night of dining accompanied by our table breaking out in "I Say a Little Prayer For You". I remember my friend Pao had the soundtrack for that movie and we spent many a day in her car belting it out.

* Two of my guys from theater class needed a ride home after practice today. One of them could not find his shoes. We thought some of the other kids took them so we went to find them, but they didn't have them. And the school was locked by this point. I asked him if he had any other shoes. He said the only other pair he had were in his locker. In the locked gym. We ended up having to go back to the elementary school and the two guys somehow managed to find a way in (I don't want to know how.) Did I mention this guy is in 9th grade? It gives me no hope for my future. I was really hoping that by the time my kids are that age I will not spend 95% of my life looking for shoes. Seems like there is no such hope....

* We are planning go to our high school's homecoming game this weekend. We haven't been to one since we graduated. I'm wondering how old it will make us feel.

What has your week looked like? Do you have any "big" plans for the weekend?

Grace for Stinky Feet and Pew Crawling Toddlers

2011-10-30T22:15:00.004-04:00

Tonight we had a joint service with 2 other churches for a 5th Sunday night sing. It was a great time of praise and worship and I was sooo proud of our kids who sang. That's a new thing for our church. We just started Children's Church about a month ago and it is going really well. So exciting. Anyway, I had invited someone who has been coming to our morning services to come tonight and she did. I sat with her and her 2 year old and 7 month old and it brought back so many memories. We also had a 5 year old and a 2 year old behind us and the children's choir in front of us. My favorite moment was when Kate, who was on the pew in front of me on the opposite end waited until the end of a song and the beginning of the pastor's announcements to scream "I NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!" Anyway, the little ones on the pew with me were very good, but it was a two hour service, and let's face it, that's a long service for babies. At one point the 2 year old laid on the floor and of course you know what's coming next. She started crawling under the pew. I got her up about 50 times. I told her mom that all kids do that at that age. And I wasn't just saying that to make her feel better. Seriously, all of mine did that. I may not be experienced at many things, but toddlers in church, that I know. :)

This morning Josh preached about the things in our lives that seem like trials, but are really blessings. They are things that God is using to grow patience, perseverance and peace. I have some more serious, life altering experiences that I would put in that category, but tonight I started thinking how not having a nursery when my kids were toddlers and babies felt like a huge trial to me. I dreaded church. I suffered shame and embarrassment, both from things my kids did and ways that I reacted to it. I felt like a failure on a weekly basis. I know it seems silly. SO not a major trial. But, it was for me and I will forever be eternally grateful for the people who offered to hold a baby or entertain a toddler for me. They were doing more than baby holding. They were showing God's love in the way I needed to be loved. So, tonight, I realized that it didn't phase me to pick that sweet girl up off the floor 50 times. And I didn't think one time (even when Kate screamed out her urinary needs), "What are people thinking?" I just sang and held babies. And I praised God. Because He's grown me. And I needed to see that after a week of feeling like I've taken 60 steps backwards. And I praised Him for those pews of babies and young children who were learning by example how to praise and worship the God of the Universe. As we sang, "Grace, grace, God's grace, grace that is greater than all our sin" babygirl started jumping up and down laughing and clapping. A few years ago I probably would have grabbed my kids hand and given them THE LOOK. Not tonight. I laughed and prayed that I would have that same reaction to God's grace in my life. He has shown me so much grace.

On that note, I thought I would share a post I wrote a couple of years ago. November 15, 2009 to be exact. It was originally called "The The Scent of the Worship Service is Smelly Feet".

This is my list of apologies to all of those church members whose trial by fire is unfortunately sitting near me and my circus of children during worship service. I'm sorry. So sorry.

* I apologize to the person sitting right in front of me and Kate. I know that Kate insisted on putting her feet on your back and trust me, we had a come to Jesus meeting about it.

* I apologize that Sarah Beth is the noisiest colorer known to mankind.

*I apologize if you heard me getting on to Sarah during prayer for being the noisiest colerer ever.

* I apologize if you have been unfortunate enough to glance up and see my backside bent over peeling Kate off of the floor.

*I apologize if I distracted you by banging my index finger into the pew showing Eli exactly where he needed to place his backside. I extra apologize if Kate distracted you even more when she had to imitate me.

*I apologize to the deacon I almost tackled trying to get to the bathroom. I really should have gone before class.

*I apologize for not being able to shush Kate when she began pointing at the stainglass window and talking about Jesus' nose.

*I apologize to anyone who may have stepped on a stray fruit snack that fell from our pew.

*I extra repentantly apologize to those who were seated close enough to get a whiff of Eli's feet when he disobediently took his shoes off. We all paid for that sin!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, I feel better. I've shared my apologies. Now, those of you who don't have to sit near us in church service-GO SAY A PRAYER OF THANKSGIVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday Follow-Up

2011-10-28T14:00:00.001-04:00

Okay, so I am obviously a Whatnot Wednesday drop-out these last couple of weeks. I just cannot get it together, y'all. But, I would not want you to have to start your weekend wondering what has happened in my life this week. I know that would be tragic. :) So, here are the random events, thoughts and feelings of my life in a very random, most likely non-chronological order.

* We've been having a problem with Kate and the bathroom. You always know when she's been in the bathroom because it looks like the rapture has happened. You will find a pile of panties, pants, sock and shoes all there, like she was supernaturally lifted out of them. I have not been able to figure out this phenomenon. There's no sign of an accident. Just clothes. Well, the other day she told Josh that she had to change because there were "raindrops" on her panties. So there you go, mystery solved. For the rest of the day I couldn't get that song, "Raindrops Keep Falling on my Head" out of my head. Ewww.......

* I am currently feeling like a failure as a mother. Today the kids were walking over to the high school to march through the halls and scream "JUST SAY NO TO DRUGS!" I went last year and walked with Eli and Sarah asked if I would go with her today. I just didn't have it in me. I haven't been feeling so great this week and as a result of that my house looks like 50 tornadoes have come through. I just didn't know if I had it in me to go marching and come home and recover my house. It was a one or the other kind of deal. Don't worry, I asked Sarah if she would forgive me for not coming and made her promise that she would not do drugs when she gets older.

* My purchases from the store last weekend. Oh the irony........

* We are getting a new steam cleaner today and it is the highlight of my week. I also came to the realization this week that there is a profound connection to the cleanliness of our kitchen and my emotional well-being. I am so relieved all of the pumpkin painting, cake baking, and costume creation are done. The last few weeks my kitchen/dining room have served as an art studio/tool workbench/a little bit of space to cook and eat too. Stressed.me.out.

* Oh yeah, Halloween isn't over, is it? Last weekend we had the school and church's fall festivals and while they were fun, I'll just be honest. I'm over it. Too bad for me. Just got the note that Kate's party will be at 10:30. Eli's is at 1:40. Haven't heard about Sarah's yet. That night is "Ghost on the Coast". You may remember that last year our girl's danced to "Thriller". They are dancing again and this will be the first thing my kids actually dress up for. Well, Kate dressed for the school's fall festival last week. Sarah's teacher told her that their grade didn't dress up so Eli decided he wouldn't either. Kate was still cool with it. Would you believe it if I told you my child was THE ONLY one dressed up? Yes, you would. But it's cool. She's going as Rapunzel and she's already worn this dress to church so, no biggie....

* I worked booths most of the time at both festivals so Josh was in charge of pics and then Mammy played photographer for me at the church one. Here are a couple of my faves.

Lord, help us all!! They BOTH won sodas at the ring toss. I was actually taking tickets at the ring toss at the time they played so you may think it was rigged, but TRUST ME, I would have rigged it for them NOT to win!!!

I look terrible in this pic, but cut me some slack. I had just spray painted about 50 kid's heads. Anyway, I just share it because it is my first official "my child is a tween and her social life is everything and I just told her her friend couldn't spend the night and you can tell she wants nothing to do with me" picture. Pretty special, right?

So, at the church's fall festival the lady who was face painting got sick and I was asked to help out. There were 800 people lined up and the lady doing it started feeling sick so I jumped in. However, when a kid asked for 2 different color lines under his eyes like a football player and I messed that up, I called for reinforcements. I went and got Josh from the bowling booth and told him he was face painting. He was way too eager. I found out why.

I had been soooo excited about working the bowling booth, but for some reason it had never occurred to me that I would have to pick those pins up. EVERY.STINKIN'.TIME. My sweet MIL helped me (and I'm pretty sure she will plan a trip out of town during our fall festival next year :) and we spent as much time knocking the pins down as the kids did. That was a workout! Made me feel a little better about the 450 pounds of sugar I ate that weekend.

* In additional fall festible (that's what Eli calls them) news, Kate and her friend Peyton decided they want to be firefighters when they grow up. You can't tell by her face, but Kate LOVED the firetruck.

* Nate the Great came to Eli's reading class last week. So fun! I just love teachers who come up with neat stuff like this.

* Theatre practice has started full force this week. It's serious business. We've got to get it together. I have a small panic attack any time I look at the calendar. We are doing "A Suessifed Christmas Carol" and pretty much have a month now to work on it. Let me tell you some of the ideas the kids have had. One boy suggested we play a song at the end. I've never heard it, but apparently it is from "Rocky Horror Picture Show". That just screams Christmas and Children's Theater, doesn't it? Reminds of the time I was in charge of a Christian event at my high school called "First Priority". We planned a big thing in the gym and I asked a friend and his band to play. They totally started out by playing that Pink Floyd song, "Another Brick in the Wall". Here are the lyrics:

We don't need no education
We don't need no thought control
No dark sarcasm in the classroom
Teachers leave the kids alone
Hey, teacher, leave the kids alone !
All in all it's just another brick in the wall
All in all you're just another brick in the wall

Perfect. Can you think of a better song for a Christian event taking place at a high school. I know, right?

The other idea the kids had has to do with solving a casting issue. We only have 13 cast members and several of them are playing multiple parts. There's a scene where we need several children. So, my cast decided I need to order 25 cardboard cutouts of Justin Beiber. I know, it's like they read my mind. :) One of my girls actually insisted I write that down on my prop list. I'm so glad I've already turned in my budget proposal. Can't you just see me putting in a request for 25 Justin Beiber cutouts? Where does one even get such a thing?

This may not be the most professional, put together performance ever, but I feel that I can safely advertise it as a show like people have never seen!!!!!!!!!

* Kate's teacher told us that she is really coming out of her shell and that she is SILLY! A child of mine, silly? I'm shocked!!! :)

Whew, we made it. Sorry this is so long, but I forget EVERYTHING if I don't blog it. I've been wondering all week why I've been so tired. Think I just remembered. :) What has your week (or 2) been like?

Unique

2011-10-24T21:45:00.002-04:00

Do you ever notice a theme in your life? Like, everything you read or things that people say to you all go back to one thing? Well, I'm noticing a theme. Actually, I'm noticing two and they seem to be merging. At least I think they are. I'm gonna try to explain what I"m talking about here.

The first thing I feel like God has been dealing with me about is uniqueness. Last week I was reading a Hermie book to Kate and it is all about realizing that God makes everyone unique. It actually uses the word "unique" and Kate asked what it means. By that point all 3 of my kids were gathered around me and it became a very teachable moment. We talked about the physical ways we are unique. That made me think about the day that Kate was looking at a family picture we had made before she was born. She asked where she was and it was hard to explain to her. I told her God was still making her. She asked, "And my curly hair?" "Yep", I told her. Eli responded with, "God has a curling iron????" Ha! That still cracks me up. We also talked about the other ways we are unique. But even as I explained "unique" to my kids, it is still something I struggle to grasp. I mean, to really understand and appreciate that we are all unique.

Deep down I am a conformist. I strive for "normal", "acceptable", and "okay". I will never forget (for many reasons :) my first "girl exam". I had a nice, but goofy nurse practitioner and upon examination she very quickly told me, "Don't worry. You're normal." *sigh of relief* :) Apparently she had met plenty of young women who needed to be assured that they were, indeed, "normal". Let's face it, nobody wants to be on a dr's examining table and hear, "Well that's different." You know what I mean? So, anyway, back to the whole normal thing. We often talk about being special, or unique or other such things, but deep down, I think most of us just want to fit in. I say most, but I know not all. I absolutely stand in awe of people who are different and are okay with it. They rock my world. There is a middle school girl I've worked with who is so okay with herself. In middle school y'all! Can you think of a harder time to be different? And by different I mean, she looks different, wears her hair different. She's into different things. The other day I was watching a guy watch her and I thought, 'I think he gets her.' And it occurred to me that I wish I realized at that age that instead of investing every spare moment of my life trying to become who I thought people wanted me to be, that I would have just waited for people who "got me". My friend Lori commented on this post where I asked what you would tell your 16 year old self if you could go back. She said, "It's okay to be different. It's good to be different. God can make different beautiful." I LOVE that! I love that Lori is the one who said it because she is someone who I admire so much for being herself and being okay with who she is. And she is fabulous!

So, that brings me to the next theme in my life. One that I'm sure you've noticed, if you've read many of my blogs, runs rampant in my life: People pleasing. French fries and people pleasing = my kryptonite. It's a lifelong struggle of mine. I've overanalyzed it, psychoanalyzed it, prayed about, discussed it, claimed to get better, blah, blah, blah. And here I am. Teaching my kids that we are all made unique and that it is a good thing, but I don't seem capable of believing it. Deep down I'd really prefer that I just be exactly whatever it is people would like me to be. I would like to always say the right things, do the right things and look the right way. I don't always know what "right" is, but I usually come to the conclusion that it is what other people think, want, feel, as opposed to what I think, want, feel. Any of you struggle with that? The thing is, for years now I've known that the enemy has used it to discourage me. And I mean, Discourage, with a capital D. Is there anything harder than trying to be everybody but yourself? Or trying to constantly figure out what people want or expect from you? It's pretty tough, even if you are a seasoned professional like myself. Well, within 2 days last week I had two different people who live in 2 different states and have no knowledge of the other's existence bring this issue of mine to life. The first was a church member. We were talking about some things on a Wednesday night and I was asking her how she felt about some things and I must have gone into my epic paranoia of what so and so and so and so would think and she said, "You sure are worrying about what a lot of people are thinking." Wow. It wasn't said in a mean way at all, just an honest statement of the facts. And all of a sudden, a lightbulb went off for me. And it was the realization that IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not a fan of people who walk all over others and could care less how other people think or feel. But at the same time, just because people may think differently about something than I do doesn't mean that it changes anything. I know, most of you probably came to understand this when you were 4 and you didn't care what people thought of your polka dot leggings and out of season sweater. Apparently, I missed this part of human development.

Just two days later, my uncle shared a quote with me on my FB page. It says, "Instead of seeking purpose by comparing ourselves with others, we can discover God's purpose for our lives in the pages of the revealed Word." Kenneth Boa. Wow, again. Again, I needed to hear this. Me? Compare myself to others? NEVER! The truth is, there isn't a person I haven't compared myself to. If I could just be as talented as that person. As spiritual. As pretty. As smart. As organized. As good of a parent. As preacher wife . Yes, I have thought that. A lot. For those of you who really know me, do you get what it is like for me? I'm a preacher's wife and a dance teacher and I don't feel particularly qualified to be either. On a good day I'm a bundle of insecurity questioning most of the decisions I've made in life. How exactly did I end up here, and how many people are wondering THE EXACT SAME THING???

After reading that quote on Friday I made it a new mission to work on the comparing thing. Again. And Sunday night wouldn't you know that a former pastor and pastor's wife from our church showed up? After a marathon of Fall Festivals this weekend and a turn in the nursery Sunday morning, I was hanging by a thread Sunday night. I can't tell you how close I came to just skipping. See? I'm so not spiritual enough. Anyway, I was totally in jeans and FLIP FLOPS and my hair appeared as though I hadn't brushed it in a few days. And these sweet people come and I think, 'She just LOOKS like a preacher's wife.' They sit behind me and as we are singing I think, 'He SOUNDS like a preacher.' Insecurity overtakes me until I flip through our praise book and see "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus" and I can almost hear Him ask me, "Who are you here for?"

And, that brings me to the icing on the cake of "Here's Your Sign" moments in relation to my people pleasing/comparing myself to others. A quote in a devotional that brings to my attention that this is more than a personal "issue" or one of my many idiosyncrasies. This is a SIN. Like a big one. Like a number one on the Ten Commandments kind.

"Beware of seeing yourself through other people's eyes There are several dangers to this practice. First of all, it is nearly impossible to discern what others actually think of you. Moreover, their views of you are variable: subject to each viewer's spiritual, emotional, and physical condition. The major problem with letting others define you is that it borders on idolatry. Your concern to please others dampens your desire to please Me, your Creator."

~Jesus Calling, Sarah Young p. 299

So, what is God trying to teach this insecure, people pleasing, mess of a girl. He made me unique. Some people may prefer to describe me as "weird", "strange" or something like that, but I'm going to choose not to care. :) He is teaching me that things about me that I wish were more like someone else, are there for a reason. I get really down on myself for being a night owl instead of an early riser. I just feel like there has to be something spiritually wrong with me because I don't wake up singing "This is the Day the Lord Hath Made". There must be something wrong with me that I can't go to sleep before midnight, right? And yet today, I realized how many times I've had late night counseling sessions with brothers and sisters in Christ who couldn't sleep either. So, I'm deciding to look at my night owlness as more of a shift work thing in the Family of God. :) I also can't stand the fact that I'm not a super neat freak and that my house and car look a little lived in. Okay, a lot lived in. But it dawned on me that if I were a total neat freak I probably wouldn't be very open to the herds of neighborhood children who come traipsing through my disaster of a house everyday. And, I don't play the piano and I 'm not a phone person. That's kind of a big deal when you're a preacher's wife. I don't know how to fix that, but I will tap dance and FB you all day long. :) What can I say? I'm different. And God can make different beautiful.

Picture It.....

2011-10-20T23:54:00.000-04:00

There are 90 trillion blog posts floating around in my head. Some funny. Some serious. Some seriously serious. But, I just can't seem to focus to write any of them right now. I thought that instead I would bless you with my week (or month, or who knows when all of these pics are from?) in pictures. Earlier my computer said it was having communication difficulties with my camera. Apparently they've worked through their conflict, and good for them.

First, I have a picture here of my hubby spray painting baseball pants gold. This will eventually be a whole blog post when I explain in detail how to create the perfect FSU football player costume when all you have is baseball stuff. To get ready for that post make sure you have these things handy: 1. Gold spray paint 2. paper mache` and 3. An incredibly talented hubby. I am coining a new phrase, the "HDI project" as opposed to the DIY project. That stands for "Hubby did it". Yes, you will hear all about it soon.

This here, is my first ever totally from scratch cake. It is a cinnamon roll cake and while it doesn't exactly look like the picture in the recipe, it smells really good. That counts for something right? We have 2 fall festivals this weekend and cake walks at both. I made this cake and also the Pumpkin Gooey Butter cake and I'm pretty sure I gained 15 pounds from licking the spoon. Oh well. Totally worth it. For the record, I've totally given up on making pretty cakes. I just go for taste and make them in pans you can lick.

No words needed. I heart them.

This is a Kate photography shot, but it just so sums up my life. Laundry and Mr. Clean. And a house that is so not clean.....

I'm not normally a fan of bathroom shots, but I just couldn't resist today. For some reason my husband thinks that the bathroom is a swell place to recharge electronics like his Kindle and the DS. I mean really, could we pick a place with more opportunities for water damage??? Anyway, I walked in to this scene today. I thought I would never get to use the bathroom. Kate told me she was "usin' the poo poo", but I think she just really didn't want to end her game. I went back in a few minutes later and Eli was in the bathroom with her! Apparently my bathroom has become party central. Yay.

The kids painted their pumpkins on Monday. I've been so bummed we don't have a pumpkin patch to go to, but we've made do. And my table still looks like that.....

Eli let me get this totally cute pic of him with his pumpkin. I'm so glad I got this chair from my Mom. My kids think it is the greatest thing ever and will totally let me take pics if they get to sit in it. Please note my pumpkin on the left. SOMEONE whose name starts with K and rhymes with ate thinks it's fun to pull the beans off. Little stinker!

My tap girls. They're so silly!

What do you get when you sit through an hour reading of "A Seussified Christmas Carol", preparing for 2 fall festivals, and 5 hours of dance? You look like this! My brain is only capable of thinking in rhyme and tap rhythm.

Magical Moments

2011-10-16T22:34:00.001-04:00

This weekend was full of all kinds of good things. Thought I would document them so I don't forget.

* Friday the kids spent the night with my Mom. That meant date night for me and Josh. Woo-hoo! We've had a busy few weeks and I felt like we had only seen each other passing through the revolving door at our house. We started at Wal-Mart and Target. You might be a married couple if you have to go Wal-Mart on a date. I have a gift card for Target and I wanted to try on some boots there. Not to get off of the subject of our date, but y'all, I cannot pull off the knee high boots over the jeans. I just can't. I was hoping for supermodel, but I looked more like Elmer Fudd headed out on a duck hunt. Oh well. We had supper at Olive Garden and got dessert to go. We took it to the marina and watched the sunset while we ate. We finished the night at an arcade. We haven't really figured out that we are grown ups yet.

* Saturday morning I set out on the search for the perfect accessories to decorate my porch for fall. Then, I headed to pick the kids up from my Moms. We all went to eat lunch at Beef o' Brady's and had fun. Most of the people there were watching football and we were smack dab in the middle of two sets of fans. One table would cheer and clap and then they would stop, turn and look at the other table and wait for them to take their turn cheering. There was also a table with beer on tap at their table and Eli wanted to know if we could get one with Sprite. I had to tell him no.

* We got home and I decorated our "porch". My Mom gave me a wicker chair she doesn't use anymore and I bought a cute fall welcome sign. I also made a pumpkin with our initial on it. I got the idea from Pinterest, and while mine is not perfect, I felt pretty proud of it. I was going to use a real pumpkin but I found a fake one at Michael's for $7 so I decided to use it so hopefully I can use it again in years to come. :)

I just hot glued white northern beans (that I just happened to have in my pantry, probably for some recipe I was going to try and never did) onto the pumpkin and prayed that the hot glue would not melt whatever it is this pumpkin is made out of. :)

* Once my decorating was done it was time for Sarah and I to get ready. She and another girl from the dance studio were going to perform at our local Jr. Miss (now known as the "Distinguished Young Women" program) pageant. I could write a whole blog post about that experience. :) Sarah and Dianara performed their tap dance from last year's recital while the girls changed into their dresses. They did great and I was so proud of them!

I was planning to leave after they performed but of course Sarah wanted to stay and see who won. It ended up being almost 9:00! Josh went with his parents and took Kate and Eli out to see the youth group from our home church who were camping out close to us. We met them at Burger King for a late night supper and had a great time chatting with them.

* This morning the youth came to our church service and it just blew me away to see them. One of the 6th graders was in the preschool when we went to church there. I felt bad, I didn't even recognize her, but she came up to give me a hug. Two of the Moms who were chaperoning are extra special to me. They were MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) leaders back in the day when I had a 2 year old Sarah and was expecting Eli. They were such awesome mentors for me as mothers and ministry leaders. I went on to become the MOPS leader the next year when their babies were too big for MOPS. I am so thankful for those sweet ladies and thankful that they are still serving God, now in the youth group with their kids WHO MAKE ME FEEL REALLY OLD!!!!! :)

* After church one of our ladies offered to take all 3 of my kids to play with her granddaughter until evening service. It started out just Sarah, then turned into Eli and of course Kate turned on the crocodile tears and ended up going too. I felt so blessed. It is not often (okay, ever) that I have a quiet Sunday afternoon. I will be eternally grateful to that sweet lady!

* At church, the kids were exhausted. Kate crawled up in my lap and fell asleep. Eli and Sarah both cuddled up. I got to hear them sing. I realized I really missed them this weekend and I found myself admiring their freckled faces and being reminded how much they look like their daddy. It was a magical moment kind of deal. :)

* Now, it's Sunday night and there is no school or dance for the next two days! I don't know if I've ever been so excited for fall break. But I intend to observe this holiday in it's fullness and TAKE A BREAK!!! We'll see how that goes......

Whatnot Wednesday: My Body is Brokeded

2011-10-12T22:42:00.001-04:00

* I have a chipped tooth. That's kind of my big news for the week. I was spotting a girl in tumbling. She went to kick her leg over for a back walkover and apparently I thought my jaw would be a great thing to push her over. I clenched my teeth and chipped a bottom front tooth. It was traumatic. I couldn't stop looking at it. It feels so weird. Barbie kept asking if I was okay, if I needed to sit down or go home. I kept saying, "It doesn't hurt. It just feels so weird." Yesterday, it hurt. My whole mouth did. I thought it would be good for me because I didn't want to eat anything. But, today, it's fine. My jaw is still sore, but my teeth aren't as sensitive.

* Last night we had a baby shower at the church and I was telling some of our ladies about it. Then, they somehow started talking about this place that has been nicknamed "Stick and Stab" or something like that because so many fights happen there. I remarked that Josh and I have not been invited to that establishment. One of them informed me I would have to lose more teeth. :)

* I would show you a picture of my tooth but the batteries have been dead in my camera for over a month now. And I can't find the cord for my battery recharger. Can you believe that? If I ever get around to decorating for fall or doing fun fall activities with my children, I will definitely get batteries and take pictures.

* Yesterday that Katy Perry song "Firework" came on the radio and Kate said, "That song is everywhere." Did I ever tell y'all my kids are obsessed with the movie "Soul Surfer"? Josh let them watch it while I was in Dothan. I thought it would be too scary for them, but they loved it. We now have a Barbie with half of an arm. I thought it was an accident but when I asked about it Kate started talking about the shark attacking her...

* I have had the most frustrating week in technology ever. I will spare you all of the details, but I will just tell you that my printer is lucky it didn't take a flight through our living room window. That's all.

* Yesterday and today we had try-outs for the children's theatre that I am ~~trying to pull together~~ directing and they went better than I expected. Quite a few of my kids from the summer are back and I'm so excited! 99.3 % of them are in band though so we are working around the band schedule. Today a new girl I haven't met came to try-out and I asked her if she had any activities that might interfere. She said, "No, I'm grounded." I said, "Awesome." I don't normally condone kids getting grounded, but hey, it works for me. :)

* In other theatre news, I got in trouble today because apparently the kids who were waiting their turn to audition yesterday were raiding the teacher's lounge for ice.I should have realized that was what was happening when they kept showing up with styrofoam bowls of ice, but all I could think was, "Wow, my teeth hurt so bad I want to cry looking at that ice."

* I was soooo tired last night I went to bed at 11:00. Anyone who knows me knows that's a pretty big deal. I didn't just go to bed, I went to sleep. I could hear Josh telling me goodnight, but I could not physically respond. That ever happen to you??? Anyway, it's a good thing I went to bed "early". Kate ended up in the bed with us and did you know she takes up more room than me and Josh together? She also has a cold or allergies (I think it's just allergies) and she was having coughing fits. If I turned to face her she would cough in my face and kick me in the bladder. If I rolled over she would kick me in the back. I feel like I've had the snot beat out of me y'all.

* The good news is, I got new contacts today! I've needed them really bad. I decided this week that maybe if I could see I would quit hurting myself. :) The bad news is, now I know that I really need to clean my house more and pluck my eyebrows. In other good news, the lady couldn't read my birth year. She thought it said 1986. She said, "I thought you were 26 or 27." I told her I would take it.

* We had a van full of kids for church tonight. It absolutely made my week (month? year?) when one of the girls started quoting a memory verse we've been working on. It was even better when her Mom quoted one from a worksheet that I sent home last week that I figured nobody would ever look at. That just so makes it worth it! We also got a good laugh when one of the boys told us he was singing at school and he "broke it down". You might have to know the kid to appreciate it, but it was hilarious.

* Okay, I just realized it is 10:41 and I still have not eaten supper. And I feel like eating tonight. :) I hope you are all having a wonderful, pain free week! Let me know about it!

That Girl

2011-10-08T20:17:00.000-04:00

Something fun about being married to your high school sweetheart is looking at your yearbooks together. It's especially fun if your husband is a preacher and his yearbook is signed by someone who calls himself Big D who writes, "Pimp Daddy, have a nice summer pimpin the hoes." Awesomeness. It's fun to tease him about the girl who declared her love for him. He swears up and down she didn't, but she said, "Your the coolest guy I know. (I really mean it) Your the best. I like your personality and looks. Call me." Seriously, Josh didn't take this as she liked him. You really have to spell it out for guys, don't you? It's also slightly painful to read what you wrote in your significant others yearbook before they became your significant other. I actually told him to "keep your eyes on Jesus!" I was so destined to be a preacher's wife. And a dork. I also used the word "Awesome" obnoxiously. Okay, some things never change.

Anyway, I came across this picture of me getting my hair did (check out the fat rolls! Guess I have to stop blaming it on the kids!!) and it reminded me of my current profile pic on FB. One of my friends teased me about my pose and told me he couldn't figure out if I was falling down or trying to stand up. I joked that you never know with me. I do both a lot! Now I have yearbook, archived proof! Last night I was completely exhausted and feeling sentimental. I started kind of missing that girl, which is something that hasn't really happened to me. I loved high school and had way more good experiences than bad (at least that my old brain can remember at this point), but I'm not one to really dwell on high school or miss it a lot. But last night, I did. I wondered what that girl would think of this girl.

That girl was the prom queen and voted sweetest in the class a couple of times. This girl is queen of the laundry and has had some really not so sweet temper tantrums. That girl cried when she hit a raccoon and had someone write in her yearbook that he thought she might bring about world peace. This girl became a social worker and a preacher's wife and grew a thick skin. She also can't even accomplish home peace most days with her 3 kids.

I started feeling discouraged. Started missing that girl. That girl hadn't known what clinical depression felt like, how it felt to make hard choices and disappoint herself and others, or what life was like without her Daddy. Then I began to think about all that girl didn't have. That girl hadn't danced with her head on the shoulder of the boy of her dreams. That girl didn't know how it felt to drive with the windows down listening to the Dixie Chicks' "Wide Open Spaces" as she drove to college for the first time. That girl didn't know Karen Napp and hadn't pulled an all-nighter studying for a Western Civ. exam. That girl had never heard the words, "Will you marry me?" or planned her dream wedding. That girl didn't know the thrill of decorating her first apartment as a married woman. That girl had never felt the kick of a human being growing inside of her, or calmed a crying baby the way only a Mama can. That girl hadn't yet experienced her Heavenly Father as God the Healer. That girl hadn't learned that it was okay to have her own opinions, or what those might be.

That girl had a lot to learn. If this girl could squat down and chat with that girl she would tell her to wear sunscreen and lay off the honeybuns. I would tell her that things were not going to go the way she expected. That things would be harder than she was planning on. Sometimes they would feel impossible. But, the God she loves would become even bigger and closer and the plans that changed would work out way better. I wouldn't tell her about the laundry though. There are some things you just can't properly prepare yourself for. :)

What about you? If you could go back and talk to your 16 year old self, what would you say?

Whatnot Wednesday: Awkward

2011-10-05T18:03:00.001-04:00

* So yesterday I got a text from Kate from Kansas that said, "You totally should do me a favor...:-) and make me a what not Wednesday tomorrow :) " So, y'all can thank Kate for this completely random, worthless post. :)

* Today I heard Celine Dion's "Because You Loved Me" and remembered that in a very weak emotional state I almost chose that song for my wedding. I still remember the day I was in the Little Red Rocket driving back to school, leaving my fiance` 5 hours behind. I cried and belted that song like a sick seal. I decided it was perfect for our wedding. Praise the Lord I came to my senses or I would probably not be able to watch our wedding video without rolling on the floor in hysterical laughter. Just for the record, I would like to say to Joshua Fidler, you really did give me wings and make me fly. You touched my hand and I could touch the sky. I'm everything I am because you loved me. I hope that doesn't keep you up at night. :)

* Monday night I started a new tiny tots dance class at our local gym. It's a good thing for our studio. We are growing and need more room. It's kind of an awkward thing for me. I had imagined lots of girls in cute workout gear watching Dr. Phil while they walked on the treadmill. Instead, I walked in to a gym full of all men. And I'm talking, gorilla, live at the gym, bench press things that weigh more than my car kind of men. There was a curtain to pull around our area, but you could still totally see around it. I had Kate, a 2 year old who was starting her first class and just wanted to twirl, both of her parents, one with a camera, the other with a video camera, another 2 year old who sat on the floor and cried the whole time and her Mom who tried to hide, but could totally be seen the whole time. I also had Sarah helping me and Eli in the corner doing his homework. As I plugged in my boombox (I like calling it that.) I texted Josh and said, "You will not believe where I am teaching dance." It just cracked me up. I opted to leave my pants and t-shirt on. It was one thing to have to tap dance to the wiggles, I just couldn't bear to do it in a leotard in front of the mighty men.

* Speaking of awkward dancing, I have been asked if Sarah and I would like to perform our duet from last year at a Junior Miss pageant. Isn't that the most hilarious thing you've ever heard? I think I will only agree if I can wear a crown.

* I finally jumped on the Pinterest bandwagon and am totally as addicted as I knew I would be. Right now I am obsessing over family pic ideas. I've been really happy the last couple of times we've had pics made, but I still always find myself thinking, "I wish I had my hair cut before that" or "I wish I didn't have my hair cut" or "I wish we didn't wear that color" or whatever. Do y'all do that? I mean, if you display those pics you just look at them forever. So, I really want to make sure we get good pics. Figuring out the clothes is always a big thing. I love really neutral, earthy colors, but they kind of wash me out. And let's face it, it's all about me. :) Seriously though, everybody else will look beautiful no matter what. Anyway, this is the color scheme I am looking at right now. I would love to hear what you think.

Depending on everybody's moods that day, we may or may not just get pics of the clothes hanging on the fence.

* Kate was just laying on the floor singing "Sweet Home Aladama".

* Sarah has a dentist appointment at 7:00 tomorrow morning. Have you ever heard of anything so awful? She was supposed to have one yesterday after school, but they called to reschedule. I figured I better take whatever we could get. The last time I called to make an appointment I was put on hold for so long I was sure we would be scheduling the removal of her wisdom teeth.

* I'm off to get ready for church now. I teach the kindergarten through 2nd grade class and we've been taking up an offering the first Wednesday of every month to go towards making boxes for Operation Child Christmas boxes. We only have one more offering after tonight. I'm so excited! I think it will be so fun to pack those boxes with the kids! If you are interested in finding out more about it you can go HERE!

* Dr. Oz just said sleep is the most important thing you can do to stop the signs of aging. That explains a lot. There's no hope for me.

I hope you are all having a fabulous week so far! Go link up HERE and tell us about it! (Yes, Kate, I mean you. :)

I Surrender

2011-10-03T13:50:00.000-04:00

Last night at church we sang "I Surrender All" and I had to chuckle. Not at the song. It's a very serious song. But, that it would be chosen for this week. Just a day earlier as I was driving a white plastic bag flew up and wrapped itself around the Jeep's antenna. And I laughed hysterically. Because it looked like I was flying a white flag of surrender, and honestly, by that point it was exactly how I felt. Last week was just one of those weeks.

Wednesday I drove to Tallahassee to meet my sister for lunch and pick up my niece and nephew. I had an awesomely amazing drive by myself there and after enjoying lunch with Jenny and her friend, Jenn, the kids slept the whole way back to my house. Before Luke fell asleep we had a great conversation. He told me he was going to Eli's house to play with "Eli's toys". We also talked about trucks and tractors we saw and the "cave" (aka an overpass). He's such a little man now.

Before I left for Tallahassee I got a phone call from the lady in charge of the theatre classes I will be teaching. We had originally planned to meet on Friday, but by the time I got off the phone it had been changed to that day. So, I got home, left Josh with 7 kids (the neighborhood always shows up at our house on Wednesday) and headed off to my meeting. She gave me a schedule that made me feel simultaneously relieved to see it all already planned out and in total panic mode that the next few months are planned out, do you know what I mean? She also asked if I could write a budget proposal. By Friday. Sure. Because I totally write budget proposals all the time. And I had 5 kids at my house. Maybe they could illustrate it?

I got home just in time for Josh to leave to pick kids up on the bus for church. I rounded all of the kids and their shoes up and we went to church. It's usually about 8:30 when we get home from church so we immediately put everybody to bed. Lyla went right to sleep, but Josh and I kept waking her up going in and out of our room. Josh had to be up super early because he was going the next day to play golf with a friend in Pensacola the next day, so about 11:00 I just brought Lyla to the living room and we watched some Golden Girls and she played with Woody. It's kind of become our thing to do. :) Eventually we got some sleep and we needed it!!

Thursday became a day of colossal inconvenience and frustration. It was the absolute definition of "one of those days". So, Josh had planned to go play golf for his birthday months ago and I knew that. And my boss was leaving to go out of town this particular Thursday and I'd known that for a while. And I had talked to my sister about keeping her kids weeks before. But somehow, it never entered my brain that all of these things were happening on the same Thursday. And honestly, I really didn't think it would matter, but it kinda did. First, Thursday morning went much smoother than I expected. Since Josh was already gone I had to load up all 5 kids to go to the school. But, Sarah totally changed Lyla's diaper and dressed Luke for me while I took a bath. I would SO recommend having your kids 9 or so years apart. :) We had to take the church van because it was all we could fit in, but Josh had moved both car seats so that wasn't a big deal. Except the driver's side door which has never opened from the inside, now also doesn't open from the outside. So, I had to crawl through the passenger seat. Fun times. I ended up letting Eli and Kate stay home from school because I knew it would be more fun for Luke and Lyla. After dropping Sarah off (she had a test, had to go), I proceeded to take all 4 kids to the Pig because there was also a housewarming at the church that night and even though I wouldn't get to go, I was going to fix something to take over there. I was very proud of how well they did, but I won't lie, I got some looks. I've heard my friends who have 4 and 5 kids talk about the way people will look at them, but this was my first time experiencing it. Anyway, it almost got ugly when I bought a balloon to take to somebody and Luke and Lyla BOTH wanted to hold it (what was I thinking????), but I convinced them to hold it together, so all was well.

Back at the house I started my pumpkin muffins and the kids played. Until Kate did her usual thing and got into the fridge and so Lyla got in the fridge and before I knew it I was cleaning up tomato soup from the floor, the fridge, and Lyla's legs. Since the fridge was already open everybody decided they were hungry so I handed out some gogurts. Bad idea. I don't recommend those for children under the age of 13. Holy yogurt explosion batman!! Luckily I run a 24 hour laundry service in my house, so we got everybody cleaned up and about 4 hours later my muffins, (that are super easy and would probably normally take about 30 minutes) were done. Lyla was taking a nap by this point and Eli and Luke were jumping off the bed onto his punching bag, so I took that opportunity to load up their stuff. I also made a box of food for my kids. Thursdays are my long day at the dance studio and since Josh would still be gone they were going to have to hang out there. Lyla woke up, we got everybody redressed, I loaded up most of the stuff, and we headed out to pick up Sarah. I've never been so thankful for the pick-up line so we didn't have to get out. We ran back home to finish loading up the last of the kids stuff and made our way to the dance studio. My Mom was meeting me there when she got off work to pick up Luke and Lyla. As I pulled into my spot a thought dawned on me. A thought that I really wished had dawned on me, like, the night before. Josh had my Jeep. Josh had my keys. Josh had my studio key. My boss left to go out of town that day. We had just had a discussion about who had keys, and how it was not very many people, because we didn't want lots of people to have keys. I thought of the other person who did have a key and how I didn't have her phone number and I couldn't get her number because IT WAS INSIDE AND I COULDN'T GET INSIDE!

Panic. Stress. Little girls in tutus showing up. I so did not want to call Barbie. She had just left for vacation. I didn't know what else to do. I called Josh but, even if he left that minute he still wouldn't get back until the last class of the night was starting anyway. So, I called Barbie. She calmed me down. She told me where the landlord's office was and I drove the church van with 5 kids to go get it. We drove back. All the kids unloaded. I couldn't get any of his keys to work. More little girls in tutus showed up. Their Moms must have been having the kind of day I was because despite the fact I couldn't get in and everybody was standing outside, they all left. I was thinking we might literally be dancing in the street. At that point my assistant showed up so I left her with all the youngins and ran (for real, I ran. It was a desperate situation y'all) back across the street to get the landlord. He walked back with me, leisurely making conversation. By this point my Mom had shown up so while he tried to get a key to work I unloaded the church van and reloaded all of the kids stuff and car seats into my Mom's car. The landlord finally got the back door to open. Mom left with Luke and Lyla, my kids settled in the back with homework and Barbies, my assistant started leading stretches and I was ready for a nap. Oh well. No time for that. We danced. Josh called and told me something that broke my heart and made me want to cry, but at that point it wouldn't have taken much. I pressed on. I usually don't have time to eat on Thursday nights, but I was absolutely starving by the time my last class started. I had brought a box of microwavable mac and cheese for the kids, string cheese, gogurts and about a dozen of those muffins we had left over. I was so wanting one of those muffins. I brought a dozen. Guess how many were left by the time I had time to stop and eat one. NONE. Not one. How dare my children share? I can't believe I raised them that way!!!!

I finished classes at 8:00 and we got home close to 8:30. The kids asked what was for supper. I reminded them it was everything they had eaten all night. My last class of the night is Sarah's tap class and I've been teaching them a dance to the song, "Mama Said". You know the one? Mama said there'll be days like this.....yeah. It was one of those days.

Friday I worked on the budget proposal with Josh, who thankfully does have a clue how to do one. Then, I went and taught Barbie's classes. Saturday morning I got a text from my Mom asking if I had one of Luke's flip flops and I did. And a sippy cup. I can't imagine I didn't get all of his stuff together. :) I used that as an excuse to pack up the kids and head to Panama City to see Jenny who was picking the kids up that day. Then, we drove back, went to an ice cream social in the park, then drove back to Panama City for a dinner with Josh's family. They were celebrating mine and Mammy's birthday. I love dragging my birthday out for a month. :) Yesterday we had church, then the kids had a birthday party. It was for one of the girls who chases Eli at school. When we got there Eli refused to get out. I ended up dropping the girls off and taking him back home. When I went back to get the girls another girl from his class asked me, "Are you Eli's Mom? I like tickling him. He's ticklish." My poor baby. He has social anxiety cuz the girls won't leave him alone. After the party we went back to church. After church I attempted to get my house in some kind of order. And I also just sat and started at the wall for a while. I just knew this week would be better.

Sarah woke up sick this morning. Eli was in hysterics crying (now I know it's probably because he's dreading being tickled) and Kate was so asleep while I tried to dress her that she peed on me. Lessons learned: 1. One crazy week does not automatically insure a peaceful one. 2. It's better just to surrender up front. I've already looked at my calendar and come to an understanding that every single thing on it may change this week. A few times. 3. It can be funny. Eventually. On Thursday (now known as "THE DAY") Josh was trying to laugh with me about it on the phone. I told him it wasn't really funny to me at that point. But..... it's getting there.

Don't Be Afraid of the Boogeyman....or the water heater....

2011-09-28T21:52:00.000-04:00

I've watched a crime show or 80 trillion in my day, and I consider myself very aware of danger. My Dad taught me well. He used to tell me to keep my head on a swivel coming out of the mall (he demonstrated that by turning in a complete circle while surveying the landscape) and to hold my keys in a way that I can stab someone with them. I also consider myself pretty brave. While in college, I once accompanied two of my roommates on a road trip an hour and a half away with a guy none of us had ever met. It was a blind date and two of us went along to.....well, I don't know, increase the body count???? I also worked as a social worker where I went into some pretty rough neighborhoods, at times at night all alone. I encountered outraged family members. It was part of the job. But something happened last Thursday night that struck fear in me like I've never known. I was up late waiting on school shirts to dry, because the kids are supposed to wear them on Friday, and why would they have put them in the laundry at the end of LAST WEEK, when they could stuff them under their beds and the couch in the playroom so that we would have to do a mad dash through the house throwing stuff and hollerin'? Exactly. So, that is why I was up at midnight when I heard something. Something that sounded like the front door knob turning to be exact.

Now, the first time, I did not let myself freak out. I assured myself I was just hearing things. The second time, I blamed it on the dryer. The third time I got that icky feeling in my tummy and debated calling 911. Because Josh had to be up at 1:30 to work with his Dad, I really did not want to wake him up. However, I did. BECAUSE IT SOUNDED LIKE SOMEONE WAS TRYING TO OPEN OUR DOOR AT MIDNIGHT!!!!! Josh put on some shorts, came out to the living room and immediately threw open the door. Just opened it. Like, hey, come on in! I asked if he needed a baseball bat, but he said he didn't. I do believe he was half asleep. In fact, he told me later he was going on exhausted adrenaline and I could tell as he tore through the house opening doors and looking out windows. We finally decided that if somebody was trying to break in we had long since scared them with the sight of us in our pj's. Shoot, the amount of unfolded laundry on the couch was scary enough. I can honestly say I was able to fall asleep and was only slightly freaked out the next day after I took the kids to school and came back to a quiet house. It was creepy quiet. I also did a little investigative work. I noticed some of our woodchips were now in a mess on the sidewalk. I also noticed a spot on the glass door that looked like someone had their face up to it. Someone taller than all the little people who usually press themselves against the door. Josh was quick to point out that he saw a neighborhood dog mess up our woodchips and that the smudge on the door was from the *inside*. Still, I'm pretty sure I was on to somethin'.......

The next night Josh came and told me he had discovered the source of the sound. He heard the same thing.. I was so relieved he heard it too. I felt justified in waking him up at midnight to run around the yard. At least I did until he told me what is was. The water heater. Oooh, spooky, huh? Being the preacher's wife that I am, I of course became the opening of his Sunday night sermon about why we should not fear. One of the church members told me I should have called 911. I told him I was pretty sure they wouldn't appreciate being called out to check on my water heater. He is a former cop and said he knew someone who called the cops because of a mouse. Of course, I KNOW that sound and how to handle that situation. :) I am equally excited it was not a burglar or a mouse. I do however wonder, if the cops did come to check our front door how many sets of fingerprints they would find?????

Other scary events this week:

* When we went to the FSU game I decided to just use Eli's FSU backpack to tote all of our stuff. I transferred my purse into the side part. Last night I look up to see him holding a "girl product", waving it in the air screaming, "What is this?!?!?" I had visions of that happening in the first grade classroom and was equally mortified and thankful it happened in the privacy of our living room.

* I have been asked to begin teaching theatre classes again. The same organization that ran the summer program got funding for the school year as well. I was asked about it a few weeks back and then never heard anymore. Well, today I had a meeting and was informed we will begin try-outs on the 11th of October and perform a Christmas show on the 8th of December. Get out a calendar and look at that. It'll scare you as bad as somebody breaking into your house!!!!!

* Did you know that you are not supposed to mix bleach and toilet bowl cleaner? Well, I learned the hard way yesterday. I mixed the two and toxic fumes emitted from my bathroom. You think I'm kidding? I literally had to run out of the bathroom choking and gagging. It finally occurred to me that I should probably flush the toilet. Later I googled it and found this article that informed me it causes a toxic gas that can cause DEATH. I've been on a roll, y'all. Please consider this your PSA of the week. I do have to say, my toilet has never looked so clean. Oh yeah, and thankfully I didn't die.

* I'm gonna wrap this up now because I've got to get to bed soon. I went and picked up my niece and nephew today and they are currently snug as a bug in a rug asleep in my house. My aunt tank is full. Luke was so excited to come play with Eli and "Eli's toys". :) Lyla has been all smiles I won't lie though. I've got to get 5 kids up and ready to take to school (in the church van, it's the only thing we can fit in). I know I can do it. I know I can. But if somebody tried to break in my house tonight, I may ask them to stay and help me get kids loaded up. Just sayin'.......

The Gifts I've Been Given

2011-09-21T21:41:00.001-04:00

Well it's official. I am no longer 30, flirty and thriving.I am now 31 and.....I run? No, I really don't. I'm 31 and...I own a gun? No. Josh would like to get me one, but I'm pretty sure it's better for everybody that I not have one. I'm 31 and....fun? Hey! I like that one! Let's pretend I'm fun. I mean, we pretended I was flirty and thriving for a year, right? Okay, that makes me feel better. I've decided I can cope with aging better if I have a catchy phrase for each year. And I can color my hair. And if the years just keep getting better.

Anyway, I had a great birthday on Monday and felt very spoiled and loved. Sarah's teacher asked me to start volunteering on Mondays, so I did. I went in with the kids and was put to work stapling papers, making copies, and eventually she even asked me to walk around during math and help the kids who were having trouble. Bless their hearts. I specifically put on my volunteer application that reading and writing are my strengths and DID NOT even mention math. Y'all pray for those kids I help, 'k? Anyway, I stayed until it was time to get Kate and when I arrived at the Jeep I found this.

It brought back memories of high school when my sweetheart would do stuff like this almost everyday. I'm not kidding. I felt 17 again! And that card said everything I wanted it to, just like the poem Josh wrote for me the day I decided I was in love with him and we would get married. I was 17 then. Anyway, that card and balloon would have been enough to make me happy for the day!

Josh took Kate and I out to lunch and the weather was so nice we sat outside to eat. I love eating outside. I got two cards in the mail, one from my sister and one from my bestie. They both had gift cards in them, and gift cards are my new love language. We were planning to do my birthday dinner the next night because Sarah has 3 dance classes on Monday night (she's hardcore, y'all), but while I was on the phone with Karen, Josh got a call that some of our friends who he was supposed to pick up at the airport on Saturday were actually coming back the next night. SO.....he called my Mom and brother and asked if they could go ahead and come and then threw my birthday dinner together in a manner of hours. I asked for meatloaf, hashbrown casserole and German sweet chocolate cake. I decided that you know you're old when you've been told you can have anything for your birthday dinner and you pick meatloaf. :) Josh had never actually made a meatloaf, but wouldn't you know it, his turned out way better than mine do!! It was all super yummy and to top off my night of feeling old Josh didn't just use the number candles, he put all of them on there.

At this point I was trying to figure out where I put the fire extinguisher. (Yes, we actually have one. It was in the house when we moved in and I just figured the church got word of my cooking abilities ahead of time....)

My Mom captured this shot as smoke filled the room. At least I can say I blew them all out by myself. :) I may or may not have eaten every last bite of what was left of the cake the next day.

After supper I FINALLY opened presents. It was killing Kate. She had been trying to give me presents to open all day. I knew Josh had ordered my present from him weeks ago and had been really excited about it. I was excited about it too!

Okay, for some reason this pic will not upload the right way. Please pretend she is not sideways. Anyway, this is a figurine that I was given my senior year of high school at my dance studio. I loved her dearly, but made the critical mistake of displaying her in my home whilst it was filled with 3 children under the age of 5. She got broken. Beyond repair. I'm not really a "stuff" kind of person and I am definitely a minimalist when it comes to having stuff out around the house, mostly because I'm too lazy to dust it, but this ballerina was very special to me. Josh has been trying to find an affordable one to replace her for years now, and I was so thrilled he finally found one!

To end my day perfectly, after I opened presents everybody was going outside. I was staying in to play with my toys :) and Eli said, "I'm going to stay with Mama. It's her birthday. We can't leave her by herself.." Oh. my.word. Please know that when a girl comes into his life for real and replaces me as his favorite girl, there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. Just sayin'.

All in all it was a fabulous day. I will say that in my old age I have really begun to think about life so differently. This year I felt like God just really impressed on my heart the gifts I've been given in my life. Not birthday gifts. Gifts like, parents who loved me and worked hard to make sure I stayed healthy and happy. Gifts like, friends who have laughed with me, cried with me, been honest with me, shared life with me. Gifts like, a husband who goes out of his way to make me feel loved everyday. Gifts like amazing teachers at school, dance, and church who invested their time and knowledge in me. Gifts like living in a time where I have opportunities and resources that women even 20 years ago didn't have. Gifts like being trusted by God to serve Him in ministry. I can even see now how so many of the tough things I've experienced in life came with the gifts of compassion, mercy, understanding, and yes, even patience!

I have often struggled with why I have been blessed in life the way that I have. It doesn't seem fair that I've had so many good things when others suffer so much. It's something I've wrestled with for as long as I can remember and I feel like for my 31st birthday present God spoke to me about it. I felt like He told me if I've been given these gifts, it's so I can share them. The love I've known should lead me to love others, especially those who may not get if from anyone else in their life. I've been blessed with friends to teach me how to be a friend to others. I've had amazing teachers that have equipped me to teach others, and if I have opportunities I need to use them to bless someone else. Thank you, Father, for the gifts you've given me!

"how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!"

Matthew 7:11

What gifts have you been given that you can share?

I'm Lovin' It!

2011-09-17T23:22:00.001-04:00

So, this last week has been kind of a bummer. I haven't felt all that great and have been dragging big time. I always get a little down when I don't feel like I can keep up with the crazy pace of life. This happens periodically for me, and in the past I have been very guilty of giving into the blues and going straight to the dumps. I've had some moments, but I just finished Warren Wiersbe's, "Be Joyful" study on Philippians and I have tried to take this as a test at how well I absorbed the lessons of that study. The overall idea is learning how to not allow people, things or circumstances steal your joy. It was such a great study. Anyway, I'm trying to get back in the game, and speaking of the game, I do realize how pointless it is to post a blog during Saturday night college football. However, I just got my turn with the laptop and I'm pretty sure it was Josh's way of occupying me so that I don't ask things like, "Do you like my new nail polish?" during the most important game of the year. And speaking of nail polish, since I haven't actually done anything noteworthy in the last week, I thought I would share a random list of things I'm loving right now. Here goes.

* First, I love this new nail polish line by CVS called Confetti. All of the polishes are like, a $1.99 and tonight I found my favorite color, "Dressed to the 9's".

* I cannot wait to see how this new nail polish goes with these new lyrical shoes I just ordered. I am teaching a lyrical class this year and it is my FAVORITE. Lyrical is my thang. Hip Hop: not my thang. Lyrical: totally my thang.

Aren't they purty? I mean seriously, how many people get to buy shoes for work that have butterflies and bling bling? P.S. Those are not my feet. I'll spare you that shot.

* One more thing with feet. I also just got Heel Tastic for my achy, breaky feet and it is awesome! Y'all know I'm a sucker for As Seen on TV stuff, but I think this is actually gonna work.

* I am attempting to get back on the wagon with my diet. I don't know that I will be able to totally give up caffeine again, but I am trying to really cut back. I discovered Honest Tea the last time when I was being really super good and fell in love with the Black Forest Berry and the fact that it comes in glass bottles I can save and reuse. The Pig stopped carrying it not long after I discovered it (boo), but recently they started carrying it again. Yay! It doesn't taste anything like the sweet tea I make, but it just has a really refreshing taste.

* I'm lovin' that Kate has started singing "Ipsy Dipsy Spider" and that tonight she said she wanted Jesus in her heart. I REALLY loved hearing all 3 of my babies singing "Jesus Loves Me" in the playroom last night.

* I love giraffes and today I got to feed one.

* I love that my girls FINALLY cleaned their bedroom. I did the ugly cry in a happy way and told Sarah how proud I am of her.Y'all just don't know what that room looked like. It left me in sobbing fits for days declaring how I have failed as a mother and thanking God that my daughters are pretty since they would obviously never get a husband based on their domestic skills. Anyway, I am seriously loving that it is clean!

* I loved reading Jacqueline Kennedy: Historic Conversations on Life with John F. Kennedy and am so thankful you can download it on Kindle for $9.99. I've had an infatuation with Jacqueline Kennedy since 3rd grade when I read a biography about her, Some of this was hard for me to follow because I don't know my people in history very well, but it sparked my interest and made me want to learn more about that time in history and even led to me watching a documentary on the Cuban missile crisis. My Dad would be so proud. :)

* I love that God is answering prayers and working in people's lives in ways that make me say, "Yep, that can only be God."

* I loved this post by my friend, Lori, and feel overwhelmed with a need to be a more faithful prayer warrior. I'll start by saying this prayer for you, one that I love from Philippians:

⁹ And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in knowledge and all discernment, ¹⁰ that you may approve the things that are excellent, that you may be sincere and without offense till the day of Christ, ¹¹ being filled with the fruits of righteousness which are by Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God.

Philippians 1:9-10

What did you love this week?

So Much Football It'll Make Your Head Spin

2011-09-12T19:10:00.000-04:00

I asked in another post what your favorite things about fall are and my two faithful readers (thanks Karen and Lori!) :) responded with football and fall food. I of course, said fall fashion. Well, this last weekend was a chance for those three to merge as my family embarked on "Football Weekend 2011".

It started Friday night. One of my theater girls had asked me to come watch her and her friends perform with the band at half-time. I was thrilled to get the invite. I figured I was long gone from her mind with the summer memories once she started a new school year. But, she invited so I was sure to go! It just so happened that somehow Sarah ended up having two friends over, so we arrived at the game (late, I might add) with 5 kids in tow. As we were getting out of the car I could see the other team's band lining up so I started rushing everybody to the gate. And by rushing, I mean waiting on 5 kids to unload, beg to take dolls into the stadium, and stroll through the parking lot like we had all the time in the world. Herding cats, y'all. HERDING CATS. Anyway, we got in, found a seat, saw 2 seconds of the show and Kate said, "I'm hungry." Shocker. Sarah's friend had gone to get some money from her parents who were at the game, and Sarah took that as her cue, that she too, must have money for the concession stand. Josh gave her a $20 and I knew that meant nothin' but trouble. Next thing I know she is walking up the bleachers with a BOX full of 6 snow cones. That's my girl, so thoughtful. :) We watched the rest of the show and worked on our snow cones. Then Kate had to go to the bathroom so I took that opportunity to run by the band section to wave at my girls. One even ran down to hug me. The old band nerd in me wanted to scream, "NO!!!! DON'T DO THAT!!" because when I was in band we would have faced the penalty of death for leaving the stands during a song. But, it was cool. We lasted about 20 more minutes after half-time during which we had to jump up and grab Kate as she almost fell down the bleachers and approximately half of our snow cones ended up on us or the surrounding bleachers. When we got there we got really good seats and I was afraid we might actually be sitting in the band section because there weren't many people around. Turns out, everybody else must have known that it was the section with the lady who screams really loud at every play and every announcement, including the announcing of the cheerleaders. So, we decided to call it a night. Don't worry, we left our mark. In cherry snow cone juice.

Saturday was a full day. I got up, fixed some orange fluff and a hashbrown casserole for our homecoming services. We met my Mom for lunch to celebrate Grandparents Day then headed to clean and vacuum out the jeep. I want to have it detailed so bad, but I'm afraid the people would pay me to not have to do it. Anyway, we got home and did a wardrobe change so we would be ready for the FSU game. Josh's parents were taking some boys from their church and got us tickets to go as well. It was the first time for the girls and I was anxious to see how they would like the experience. Personally, I spent more time in the bathroom and the concession stand than I did watching the game, but hey, that's part of the experience, right? :) I know the guy and his daughter who were sitting next to us (and had to move to let us out) were thinking they got the worst seats in the house, but they were very nice and he assured me he remembered what it was like when his kids were little. When I was sitting in the stands, I was fascinated by the football fashion. Long gone are the days of t-shirt and jeans. I saw all kinds of fashion. FSU dresses, rompers, you name it. I've decided if we start attending more games I will need a fuller football wardrobe. :) A highlight for me was the half-time show (of course!). My cousin, Niki just made the Marching Chiefs this year and I was soooo excited when I found her on the field! It was an awesome show too. I won't bore you with any more details, I will just share 5 dozen pics.

We had nachos and funnel cake, our team scored lots of touchdowns and I got to see the look in Sarah's eyes when she realized the baton twirlers batons were ON FIRE! All in all it was a fabulous day. Thanks T and Dandy!

My Most Favorite Story Ever

2011-09-09T16:20:00.004-04:00

I can still remember talking to my dr. who delivered Sarah at one of my annual check-ups. He was asking how she was and I was gushing about how amazing she was. He said, "Just wait until she starts talking." And unlike some people, he meant it in a good way. In the way that it is absolutely mind blowing the day that it hits you that the child you birthed who has spit mushed peas on you and who you have watched struggle to roll over, crawl and then walk is now sitting across the table having a conversation with you. Like a real person. It's kind of an awe inspiring moment. I've realized that the next most exciting development after talking, is when my kids learn to write. Josh threw away most of the kid's schoolwork from last year because I have a serious hoarding problem when it comes to paperwork. And no, I don't guess we need every math worksheet, but what I couldn't stand to just throw away was seeing their names in their handwriting at the top of every page. And how it changed every week, sometimes every day. Well, I've made a concerted effort to do better this year. Every week when papers are sent home, I throw most of them away. But today, I found one in Eli's folder I just couldn't part with. In fact, I might frame it.

My name is Eli Fidler.

I like to play baseball.

I love too watch football.

I enjoy siting in my moms lap.

These are the things I like doing.

Whatnot Wednesday: Trend Setter

2011-09-07T14:07:00.001-04:00

* I have noticed a phenomenon at our post office. I'm calling it "The Influx". Twice this last week I've had to go there, and that is just an errand I dread. Mostly because I always seem to go there when I'm in a hurry and you really need to devote a good 10-12 hours for a post office run. Have y'all noticed that? I am not kidding, on Sat. morning I looked at the parking lot and there was NO ONE there. Not a soul. Then, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, as I pulled into my parking space, so did 3 other cars. AT THE EXACT SAME TIME! It looked choreographed, y'all. We all left a space in between us empty. Like guys do at the movie theater. It was crazy. It looked like a TV was on sale on Black Friday the way we all jumped out and ran toward the door.

* I spent my Labor Day very productively. I split my time between watching a marathon of "Barbecue Pitmasters" and a marathon telling of the history of Hollywood moguls. Fascinating. I'm still craving barbecue and wanting to watch "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?"

* I got a nap on Sunday afternoon which was fabulous, except Josh let me sleep until 5 minutes before church started. I literally jumped out of bed and ran to church in the rain. I gave a whole new meaning to "hot mess".

* I made pork chops, roasted potatoes, ceasar salad, and Sister Schubert rolls for supper last night. As we ate I informed my family it would be the only meal I was cooking all week so they better enjoy it. I know, I am wife and mother of the year. In my defense, last night truly was the only night this week we don't have somewhere else to be and this Sunday at church we are have homecoming so I will be cooking enough this weekend to make up for the whole week. :)

* Speaking of all of that food, I am miserable. I have been off of my healthy eating plan for almost 3 months now and I can tell. I thought if I was really good for a few months and got myself balanced I could add stuff back into my diet, but apparently I cannot. Please pray for me. I really like to eat.

* Since I am not feeling so great, Josh let me sleep in this morning and got the kids ready for school. Kate took advantage of that by playing hookie today. How do they learn so fast????

* It is starting to feel like fall and I am sooooo thrilled! My most favorite part of fall is checking out the fall fashion trends (because I am so fashionable and trendy) and this year I was shocked to find that I am already wearing these trends!

I am especially excited by this first trend. Smudged eyeliner. Seriously, I've been waiting my whole make-up wearing life for this trend! No matter what brand I use, my eyeliner ALWAYS smudges on me. Always. It's about time that came into style.....

Pics courtesy of www.elle.com

This next look they call "bold brows". Read: I don't have to pluck my big, bushy eyebrows on a daily basis. Woo-hoo!

Finally, not only have I been wearing this next trend, but I have been sharing it with the next generation. I present to you......the messy bun.

This is how my hair looks 99.875% of my life.The other percentage is when I teach ballet and it actually has to be in a nice, neat bun. But never fear, on those days my ballet girls usually come straight from school and I end up fixing their buns and this is what they look like! Bun making is not my gift. I always warn people when Sarah gets ready to do turns because it is like a bobby pin grenade going off in the room once she starts spinning. Bobby pins and hair flying everywhere! It's just so exciting to be so stylish and such a trend-setter. :)

* What are your favorite fall trends? Please share!

Keeping Up Appearances

2011-09-06T10:27:00.001-04:00

I scrunched my nose in displeasure as I took in the outfit she chose for herself. Black leggings, a slightly too big denim skirt, an old t-shirt from last year, and of course her white socks and tennis shoes. I sighed in frustration as our hectic morning got even crazier when she decided she needed to fix her own lunch, including a messy peanut butter sandwich that did not look the way I would have made it. What would people think? That her Mom didn't buy her decent clothes or fix her a perfect lunch? My morning frustration culminated with a glance in the rear view mirror to watch her pull her hair up in a pony tail that was messy and bumpy. She did stick a bow in it, most likely because I've tried to make her wear hair bows for years, and bless her heart, she tries to make me happy. But WHAT WOULD PEOPLE THINK????

Deep breath. Slap upside the face. Who cares what people think? Apparently I do. Do you?

Friday night Josh took me to see "The Help". I read the book a couple of months ago and LOVED it. I was pleasantly surprised that I enjoyed the movie as well. I was really surprised at how the book affected me. First, it is set in Jackson, Ms. in the 1960's and my Daddy grew up in Jackson, Ms. in the 1960's. It really gave me a glimpse into what life was like during that time. Obviously the book gives a glimpse at the racial climate of the times. But what stood out the most to me was the idea of "keeping up appearances". I don't know that southern, white girls are the only ones who struggle with that particular issue (I'm pretty sure we're not), but I found myself heartbroken by how many people were hurt because of "keeping up appearances". I don't deny that there were and are people who are mean and hateful and just outright racist. I've seen it up close and personal. But, I've also seen that outnumbering those people who are just racist, there are many who just can't get over the idea of keeping up appearances. They may not personally have anything against a certain person or race, but they just can't get past the fact that it is not socially acceptable in their group to socialize with certain people. Beyond the issue of race, the character in "The Help" that affected me the most was a little girl, Mae Mobley. From the first time I read about her, I pictured Kate. And as I read about her mother who was cold and distant and disappointed that her daughter wasn't everything she had hoped for in a little girl, I wanted desperately to reach into that book and hug Mae Mobley and tell her how special she is. It's okay, there was someone who did. Abileen, her maid and nanny went out of her way to fill in where her Mom fell short. And I found myself questioning, where do I fail my kids? And while I hope and pray that I'm a better Mom than Mae Mobley's, I know I am just as guilty of allowing my need to "keep up appearances" to affect my mothering.

How many times have I spanked my kids, not because they did something that was truly deserving of a spanking, but because the looks on other adults faces led me to believe that was what I needed to do? How many times have I crushed my children's spirit by criticizing something they've done because it's not the way I would do it? How many times have I fussed in frustration about how they look or something they've done because of how it would make me look. Shame on me.

We had an interesting conversation in Sunday School this weekend. Our lesson was talking about community and used FB as an example of ways that.people seek community. My teacher, who is not on FB, asked Josh and I about it and then he asked about my blog, as he had heard people talk about reading it. He actually asked "what is a blog?" I began to share how I started mine and we discussed the pros and cons of sharing our personal lives online. I immediately began to think that it is an incredibly bad idea for me to have a blog. Just what have I shared in these years of blogging?? Honestly, blogging has done more for me in terms of weeding out my "keeping up appearances" bondage than anything else in my life. The truth is, the more I've shared and the more God has worked in my heart, I've learned that I don't have anything to hide. I have plenty I'm not proud of, plenty I'd rather not discuss, plenty I'd like to redo, but none of it I feel the need to hide. Because I'm a child of God, I know where my value lies. I know that God deserves the glory, not me, and I know that many times He gets the glory when others see the dirty, messy, not so good parts of my life and how He works through them. I know that in order for my kids to learn independence and have a sense of self, I have to back off. I have to watch them go to school dressed in clothes that make me want to hide under the bed and I have to wait a little longer in the mornings for them to fix their own lunch. God knows that for me to grow into an authentic, sincere follower He has to watch me make some mistakes. He has to wait for me to try to do things on my own until I realize I can't and learn to depend on Him.

Keeping up appearances is exhausting. Wearing the right clothes, saying the right things, having the house decorated a certain way, being in the right social circles, making children behave a certain way. Whatever it is that we do to keep up appearances, it is really a big waste of time if the only reason we are doing it is because of how it looks to others. No matter how things "look", God knows exactly why we do what we do. And it only matters if we're doing it for Him.

"And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men,"

Col. 3:23

Uncomfortable

2011-08-30T12:43:00.001-04:00

A tragedy happened in our home last week. Our laptop died. In lieu of flowers feel free to donate to the "Laptop Recovery Foundation". Just kidding. We are currently borrowing one from the church so Josh can work on sermons (and so I can blog) :). I won't lie. I've had to get used to it. It's different. The keyboard is a different size. The picture uploader is different. It's just different. And sometimes, different is hard, isn't it? Never mind that our laptop, which I felt was so superior, had two of the letters missing off the keyboard or that the screen had suffered an almost near decapitation and was hanging on by a thread. I would literally have to hold the screen up while I typed. But, it was what I was used to, so it's what I preferred.

As I've thought about how "uncomfortable" I was with the new laptop, I've realized that I am kind of feeling uncomfortable in my life right now. Maybe I should clarify: in my spiritual life.But, for me, everything in my life is a direct reflection of what is going on spiritually and so when God starts doing things spiritually it usually starts affecting everything. The truth is, there have been quite a few times in my life when God has made me uncomfortable. When He's asked me to leave the familiar, that was uncomfortable. When He's asked me to leave my job with no idea how we would pay our bills-uncomfortable. When I've experienced loss and trials-uncomfortable. I grew up in a youth group where we often talked about getting outside of our "comfort zone" so I feel like it is something I've always thought a lot about. I just don't think I realized there would be so many ways I would build security blankets around myself and how many times God would ask me to take them off so that I was left bare and exposed and totally dependent-on HIM.

If there is one thing I've learned it is that as soon as I think I have this whole Christianity thing figured out, I'm gonna learn something new. I'm going to be challenged in a new way that excites me beyond belief and makes me want to cry like a baby all at the same time. Without fail, I'm going to be reminded that I am in desperate need of a Savior and that I am absolutely incapable of serving Him without His strength.

A few weeks back I read two books that pushed me to think and examine my beliefs in a deeper way. Those were "Same Kind of Different as Me" by Ron Hall and "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. Both of them led me to question the way that I love people. In addition to reading those books I also, in various situations, had this verse brought up to me : "Treat others the same way you want them to treat you.³² If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. " Luke 6:31-32

Now, I have been in countless Sunday School classes where we have debated these verses and shared a million and a half exceptions to the rule or stories of how we've been hurt. It's amazing how we will take certain verses and claim them as the absolute truth with no room for interpretation, but then Jesus tells us to love people we don't want to and we find a dozen reasons to debate what these verses say. And we can debate it all we want, but to me it's become clear. I'm supposed to love people who aren't lovely. People who society finds vile. People who make you sick at your stomach. People who don't appear to have a single redeeming quality about them. And by love, it doesn't mean to just think happy thoughts about them or force yourself to wave and smile at them. I am supposed to treat them the same way I want to be treated. People talk about the "golden rule" all the time, but how many of us really live it? How many of us think, "If I were addicted to drugs and couldn't take care of my kids, I would hope someone would bring them food or make sure they get home safe"? Or, "If I were a person released from jail and became an invalid, I hope someone would check on me and run to the store for me" ? Yeah, I hadn't thought about those things before either. But lately, I have. It's made me real uncomfortable. I've wanted to tell God that those people got themselves in those situations. He told me it doesn't matter. I'm supposed to love them anyway. I've told Him it could get messy or even dangerous. He told me I'm supposed to love them anyway.

I have the feeling He's going to keep telling me that until the thought of ignoring that those people exists makes me really uncomfortable.

Today She Turns 4

2011-08-28T12:25:00.001-04:00

It seems like just yesterday I picked her up from the hospital. And today she turns 4.

She had to spend 7 days in the NICU, which was 2 days longer than I had to stay in the hospital. They were the longest 2 days of my life. Leaving the hospital without her was only made better by the assurance that we would get to go pick her up, an assurance some other parents we met in the NICU didn't have. I still remember sitting in the church parking lot on a Sunday morning. That was the day we went to get her. Josh ran in to let our church members know the exciting news. Forty-five minutes later we arrived at the hospital and the nurses had her already dressed in the outfit I left for her, with even her headband and shoes. They treated her like she was the most important baby in there (as they did all the babies) and they will never know what that meant to me. I couldn't help but cry when I looked at her and knew that finally, I would hold her with no tubes or wires or other people to supervise. She was mine and she got to go home with me.

Four years have flown and they've been full of fun, laughter and peanut butter. With Kate, the world is a sweeter, happier place. My day is made when she says, "Wanna hug" or she tells me "Shrack (scratch) my back". She looks at her Daddy and asks, "Why's yous gots hair on shures faces?" She tells me she's not a baby, she's a big girl. She LOVES school, church, dance and Barbie dolls. She always wants a "shamwich" and "somfin" to drink. Her curls make complete strangers stop and comment and she has finally decided it is bearable to wash and brush them. :) She changes clothes hourly, and they never match. And it's usually something I JUST washed for her to wear the next day. I am slightly more patient with this phase after raising her sister who has the same habit. :) She tells me about the "stories in her eyes" (dreams) and thankfully, they aren't bad ones anymore, just good ones. I adore her chubby cheeks and fat little hands all dimpled and soft. I will miss them immensely next year when I know she will completely look like a big girl and not a baby. I won't lie, this birthday is tough for me. Reality is setting in that I truly don't have "babies" anymore. I found a book at Target last night that almost caused me to be carried out in a sobbing fit of hysterics. So I bought it. It's called, "If I Could Keep You Little..." by Marianne Richmond. My favorite parts say,

"If I could keep you little, I'd decide on matching clothes. But then I'd miss you choosing dots on top and stripes below."

"If I could keep you little, I'd pick for you a friend or two. But then I'd miss you finding friends you like who like you, too!"

"If I could keep you little, I'd keep you close to me. But then I'd miss you growing into who you're meant to be!"

Somedays, I just really want to keep her little. But I can't. Today she turns 4.

Whatnot Wednesday

2011-08-24T17:10:00.000-04:00

* I am so hungry this week. I just can't get full. I must be going through a growth spurt.

* This week kicked off our first week back at dance and our first year with our new studio owner. Monday I got there to sit at the desk and answer questions, help with registration and to fill in for Barbie in case she needed to run out of class to talk with parents. I got there and it was 97 degrees. NINETY SEVEN DEGREES. The power had gone off during the day when no one was there and the a/c was struggling to get going. On top of that the doorknob messed up and we couldn't get the door open. Thank goodness there was another one we could use. I ran across the street to a friend's store to see if he had a big fan we could use and he did. And it was big. And dusty. He picked that thing up and toted it across the street like it weighed mere ounces. He asked if there would be somebody to help me get it inside once I cleaned it off. I told him there would be thinking I would just carry it in myself. WRONG. After cleaning it I went to pick it up and realized it weighed 1500 pounds and I marveled at the strength I had witnessed as he carried it across the street. I was beyond ecstatic when one of the dads offered to carry it in. Because had he not, it would have stayed outside. It was a hot, sweaty miserable night. I went in to teach tumbling and the girls were slipping on the mats in their own sweat. Gross. It got so humid that the floor started buckling. We finally just ended up cancelling the last two classes because we could not risk something happening to the floor or the girls tripping on it. As we got ready to leave, the door was stuck again. Barbie said we could just use the other door and it dawned on me to ask if our keys worked for that door. Nope, they don't. So, let's just say the night ended with me having Josh bring a butter knife to break us out of there. I actually LOL when I sent Josh a text asking him for a butter knife. It was just one of those days!

* My favorite shows right now are Rizzoli and Isles and DropDead Diva. What are yours?

* Saturday was Josh's birthday. That means we will be the same age for a month. Then, I will be old again.

* Yesterday I found a baby lizard in the washing machine. I mean, it was just hanging out on the spinner thing. Guess he got the ride of his life! I asked Josh how he could have got there and Kate said, "I think Jesus put him there." Divine appointment?

* Eli's little girlfriend is over here now. She came over yesterday, too. Right now they are doing handstands. See, I knew me being a dance teacher was going to pay off for him.

* Kate told me, "I know how to make the E sound. I. " Glad pre-school is paying off. :)

* That's about all the excitement going on around here. What are you up to? Head on over to Everyday the Wonderful Happens and link up!

He Didn't See Me

2011-08-23T19:46:00.000-04:00

We are on day 7 of the new school year and I am proud to announce that I have a routine. Anyone who knows me knows that is like stating I have the cure for all the world's problems or something equally crazy. In the past a routine has been something I could only dream of. The only constant in our lives was change. Can anybody relate? Well, the main part of my routine revolves around dropping the kids off at school. Kate is going everyday from 7:55 until 11:00 and I have to sign her in every morning. That means no more pajama pant, hair pulled back drop offs in the kiss and go lane. I have to GET OUT of the car and appear in public. That means I have to make sure I am up not only in time give my kids breakfast and round up shoes, I have to actually make myself presentable for public viewing. Well, the good part of that is that once I put on make-up and fix my hair, I'm up. No temptation to crawl back in bed as soon as I get home. (Not yet.) So, I decided that I no longer have any excuses for puny quiet times with God. I won't lie, it's been rough in the past. I've always heard how valuable it is for your kids to see you reading your Bible and praying and I agree. But I had reached a point where I DESPERATELY needed "quiet" time with God. No cartoons in the background. No trips to the fridge in between verses. No tugs on my arm and "Mommy, mommy, mommy" while I pray.

The thing is, I know that even with the kids out of the house for a few hours, I could still find plenty of things to distract me. The TV. FB. I've even been guilty of sitting at the dining room table and constantly thinking I needed to load the dishwasher or wipe down the counters. But, I cannot do those things first or I will get totally distracted and never sit down. I'm tellin' ya, I'm a hnadful. So, I came to the conclusion that I needed to go somewhere to have my quiet time. Preferably somewhere quiet that would not remind me of household chores. Last week, I found my spot.

I know the Bible talks about mansions in Heaven, but I would be content with a swing hanging from a tree branch. That's just me. I discovered this little spot and decided it was for me. I've started heading there every morning as soon as I drop the kids off at school. I never knew I could feel so comfortable sitting and praying in a public place. I've read more of my Bible in the last week than I had probably read in the last month. It has become the highlight of my day. This is my view.

Well, I don't share this to make you think I'm super spiritual or to frustrate you if you are a Mom of little ones who only gets quiet time if you wear earplugs. I've been there. And I survived. :) But the truth is that having this time to spend with God has shown me just how much I've missed that time with Him. Lately I've just had such a yearning to be in His presence. I went through a season (or 5) that I felt like He was really humbling me and teaching me about serving others. But I realized that I had reached a point of just trying to serve Him, but not necessarily seek Him the way I once had. It has become my mission to seek to spend quality time with Him, not just feel like I'm checking off another chore on my checklist.

Well, my spot has turned out to not be as quiet and isolated as I thought. There are usually at least 3 or 4 boaters taking off at the marina. And recently a prison work crew has started coming through. I've been able to press on. Then, today a guy was cutting the grass. Even that didn't bother me until he got close enough with the riding lawn mower to kick dirt on me. He stopped and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't see you there." I wanted to say, "Seriously?" I was sure my poof of frizzy hair could be seen from across the bay. But I just smiled and told him it was fine. And even though I ended up leaving because I felt like I was holding him up from finishing, that moment spoke to me. It dawned on me that ultimately my goal as a Christian is to know God and then for other to see Him in me. How many times do people not see God in my life because they can't get past me? My faults, my shortcomings, my insecurities. How many times do I strive for people to see MY accomplishments, MY personality or MY talents?

Thanks to the lawn mower guy, I have a new prayer. Lord, please don't let them see me. Just you.

For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ.

2 Corinthians 4:6

Meaningful Beauty

2011-08-18T13:45:00.001-04:00

A dear friend of mine recently gave me a month's supply of Cindy Crawford's Meaningful Beauty. Have you seen the infomercial for it? I have and it is ridiculous how bad I wanted to try it, but I would never break down and order it. Anyway, my sweet friend did not even know that I was secretly pining for some Meaningful Beauty (although it is a safe bet as I think I need EVERYTHING that every infomercial has to offer) and she gave it to me anyway. Awesome! I LOVE the way it makes my skin feel and I'm hoping it is starting to look different, too. I ask Josh everyday if I am starting to look like Cindy Crawford and he always says, "You're prettier than Cindy Crawford" because he is a sweet, well trained husband and because we both know I could use a 545 day supply of Meaningful Beauty and never look like Cindy Crawford. Oh well.

As I have religiously cleansed, moisturized and deep wrinkle treated my face I've started thinking about beauty. I guess because the name is "Meaningful Beauty". As I rinsed my face last night I began to wonder, 'Is this meaningful?' I mean really, does my skincare routine bring meaning into the world? Yes, it makes me feel better and I do believe there is something to be said for feeling better about yourself, whether it is your skin or your hair or your wardrobe. I heart a make-over show like nobody's business and I know that it really can make a huge difference in your life when you feel better about your appearance. But still, I don't know that "meaningful" is the word I would choose for skincare. No offense Cindy Crawford.

So, that got me to thinking about what IS meaningful beauty? Is there such a thing? Wikipedia defines beauty as " a characteristic of a person, animal, place, object, or idea that provides a perceptual experience of pleasure, meaning, or satisfaction." A characteristic is defined by Merriam-Webster as, "A feature or quality belonging typically to a person, place, or thing and serving to identify it." So, beauty is something that identifies a person that provides pleasure, meaning or satisfaction. I have to say that is very different from the definition I feel like society gives us of beauty. Like tall, skinny, white teeth, shiny hair, tan and whatever else you want to add to the list. I've come to realize that trying to keep up with all of the latest beauty trends can become a full-time job and you need a full-time job to pay for all of the lotions and hair products and tanning beds and newest make-up. I'm as guilty as the next woman of believing that a new lipstick can change my life, or at least plump up my puny, little, non-Angelina Jolie lips. But at the end of the day, does it matter?

Again, I think it is important to take care of yourself and to present yourself in a way that makes you feel good about yourself. But lately, I've begun to long for a different kind of beauty. When Josh and I stood before our friends and family and said our wedding vows our pastor prayed over us. He said lots of wonderful, spiritual things that I was way too nervous and excited to remember. But one part of his prayer has always stuck with me. He prayed over me, "Lord, give Emily the kind of beauty that never fades." I think those particular words stuck with me 1. Because I'm a girl and addicted to all things beauty related and 2. Because ten years later I would look at myself in the mirror and want more than smooth skin and shiny hair. I want that beauty that never fades.

The truth is, I'm not getting younger. And in our society, youth is beauty. My wrinkles will get worse (unless Cindy Crawford really comes through for me), my skin will grow increasingly saggier, and I'm guessing I can only whiten my teeth so many times before they fall out. But even if I could find the secret product to miraculously make me beautiful on the outside, this longing I have is for that different kind of beauty. The kind that is discussed in 1 Peter 3:3-4, "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes.Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight." Some people take this very literally and don't wear jewelry or make-up. I personally don't think that is what this verse means. I think it is saying that the heart God creates in us should be so beautiful that people don't even notice the outward appearance. What would a beautiful heart look like? It would be full of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. (Galatians 5:22). It would willingly serve others and put their needs and wants first. It would not complain or dispute. It would rejoice always.(Philippians 2)

Wikipedia goes on to say,

" The classical Greek noun for "beauty" was κάλλος, kallos, and the adjective for "beautiful" was καλός, kalos. The Koine Greek word for beautiful was ὡραῖος, hōraios,[2] an adjective etymologically coming from the word ὥρα, hōra, meaning "hour." In Koine Greek, beauty was thus associated with "being of one's hour."[3]

A ripe fruit (of its time) was considered beautiful, whereas a young woman trying to appear older or an older woman trying to appear younger would not be considered beautiful."

When it described "being of one's hour" I immediately thought of someone who was known for her beauty in the Bible. Her name was Esther, and not only was she known for her beauty, but one of the most well-known verses from the book of Esther says, "Yet who knows whether you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this?" Esther 4:14. I'm no Bible scholar (I'll leave that up to Josh), so I don't know that when Esther's beauty was described it was referring to her being "a ripe fruit", but I just love the idea of our beauty coming from being in our time. From knowing who we are in Christ and where we are in life. That our beauty comes not from our outward appearance or adornment, but from being where God would have us to be and fulfilling the purpose He has given us at such a time as this.

It is no easy task in the world we live to redefine our idea of beauty. I won't even let you think for a second that these thoughts have led me to throw out my hair straightener or my eyeliner. I'm not there yet. I just pray desperately for God to continually work to change my heart and grow in me that "beauty that never fades". What a different world it would be if we all spent more time cultivating that beauty!

"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within."

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross